Welcome to the Deep Fried FAQ section of the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society Web Page

Buried within the Deep Fried FAQ you will find answers to the kind of insightful, probing questions that strip back the superficial outer layers of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's corporate management and reveal the truth about this segment of Industrial America's actual agenda. The DFF is not for the faint hearted so before you call your lawyers and sue us, please read the Deep Fried FAQ Eye Test and Small Print Disclaimer below: 

The Deep Fried FAQ (hereafter known as the DFF) is the concept of several members of the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society (hereafter known as the LTT&HS) and is for the entertainment of incidental readers only. The inclusion of any information or links in the DFF does not constitute endorsement of the included information or links by the LTT&HS or it's members nor does the content of the DFF represent the opinions of the LTT&HS officers ( well, maybe sometimes) or their families, the membership of LTT&HS or their families, any other members of the Railroad industry in general or their families, the Management of Lackawanna Terminal Railway (hereafter known as the LT), their employees, their vendors, the vendor's employees, the LT's customers, their vendors and employees, any local, state, and federal employees of any railroad regulatory agencies that have anything to do with the LT or the LTT&HS, its successors, and/or assigns, and their families, inclusive. All material submitted for inclusion in the DFF becomes the immediate property of the LTT&HS to be used and distributed at will without reimbursement to the contributor in any shape, form, or manner. The Management of the LT and the LTT&HS reserves the right to edit all submissions for content and length. All logos are the property of their respective owners.  would like to thank all who contributed to this fine tome.


Index:
A. Management cavorting in the parking lot:

1. Is it true that a member of the Lackawanna  Terminal's  Management Team was seen cavorting in the parking lot of the gay bar across the street from the Intermodal Yard?

No, that is not true. The word cavorting, used improperly in this case, casts dispersions on the true nature of the proceedings being held on that day. Early in the history of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway it was discovered that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Human Resources needed a satellite facility in which to interview potential employees. This new facility needed to be located near to where the employees would, eventually, be working. Since part of the interview process was to take the applicant to the Lackawanna Terminal Intermodal yard to properly determine the suitability of the applicant for the job applied for the need for an Human Resources center across the street from the yard was deemed essential. The only building that was available at the time was in an establishment that was used for the entertainment of "couples of like temperament". Our satellite office was set up in a back room at this facility. What has been erroneously perceived to be "cavorting" was simply a celebration of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Human Resources Department's hiring of their first "multi-minority" employee; cause enough for celebration we feel. All pictures that were taken of the celebration that day were subsequently destroyed when the building was torched by a disgruntled applicant that was deemed unworthy of employment with the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

2. Is it true that the presidents of other regionals and shortlines are consulted on a regular basis as to the best way to solicit new  business?

Since we are obviously a profit making corporation, this could not  possibly be true.

3. Do you treat your employees with as much contempt as other railroads treat theirs?

No one could treat their employees with that much contempt.

4. Do really expect me to believe that?

No.

5. Okay then, what about the time the cops raided the Transvestite Bar over by the engine house, and you had to bail out the Chief  Mechanical Officer and the purchasing agent?

Both the CMO and purchasing agent are heterosexual, of different sexes, and both are married (although to other partners). The bar portion of the facility was, is, and will be considered "off the property" and both the CMO and the purchasing agent were off duty at the time the bar was raided. Both parties received the proceeds from a previously arranged low interest loan at the time of  their arraignment  that just happened to coincide with the amount of bail.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team considers the matter closed at this time.

6. How do you explain the " leave of absence " taken by the office manager the March after the Christmas party, and when she returned that next November with a baby, the MOW Super, a bachelor, sold his house and Corvette, and now lives in a furnished  room and drives a Yugo. Explain that, FAQ Man.

The Lackawanna Terminal is unaware of any wrong doing by the MOW Superintendent and no charges were ever filed against him. He has  since been transferred to a mountain top microwave relay site at an  undisclosed location. The site has no telephone or mailing address. The office manager has since been promoted to General Administrator, a  job created by the company with no duties or responsibilities. The  blonde haired, blue eyed, female baby was adopted by a couple from the Middle East who flew back to their small North African country as soon as the adoption papers were signed and hasn't been heard from since.

The Lackawanna Terminal considers the matter closed.

7. How do you explain how the guy who runs the verification and  crew caller office wound up in a hospital in Pittsburgh and the company  car in a wrecking yard in Altoona after the party to celebrate the retirement of  the CFO ( chief financial officer) and then the company is named as a correspondent in the divorce of the CFO and his wife, who was last  seen with the guy who runs, or ran, the verification and crew caller  office?

The answer is really quite simple:

Following the retirement party for the CFO (chief financial officer)  the guy who runs the verification and crew caller office drove to Altoona for a conference of the "Guys Who Run the Verification and Crew Caller Office Professional Association". Unfortunately, the  company car he was driving while he was attending the company  sponsored seminar was stolen at gun point and, during a high speed chase with the dedicated policemen from Altoona, the car was struck  and destroyed by an out of control tractor trailer hauling steel scrap to a container port in New Jersey to be shipped to China to be made into a new model automobile which was to be sold in America. The car was a total write off and  was towed to the wrecking yard in Altoona to be sold for scrap, to be trucked to a container port in New Jersey...

During the car jacking, the guy who runs the verification and crew  caller office was shot in the head  and severely brain damaged. He required emergency medical care that he could only get at a hospital in Pittsburgh. He is expected to recover and will be given a promotion  in recognition of the sacrifices he has made for the company. When he  returns to Scranton, he will be seated in his wheel chair and positioned in a conspicuous "area of honor" in the entrance foyer to greet visitors. To further honor him, a flower pot, filled with nasturtiums, will be placed on his lap. He should make a lovely display for those touring the facilities.

The reason that the wife of the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) was last seen with the guy who runs the verification and crew caller office was simply that the guy who runs the verification and crew caller office was giving the car, which belongs to the wife of the CFO (Chief Financial  Officer), a jump start as her car battery had died while she was attending the  retirement party.

The management of the  Lackawanna Terminal Railway finds this an entirely innocent encounter.

The company is named as a correspondent in the divorce proceedings between the CFO (Chief  Financial Officer) and his wife is because she claims (through her lawyer) that it was his excessive hours at work (her words) that were the main cause of the breakup of their marriage. The management of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the dedication of it's employees to be their most endearing trait and one of the main reasons the company  has done so well against great competition. Lackawanna Terminal  Railway management expects nothing less from our other employees.

8. And I suppose that you'd be the first to say that Epic brakes are good. And that Mid-Town Neglect is convenient. I'll bet your excuse  writers used to work for Bill Clinton. They sure are good.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway does not use the Epic Brake on any of our locomotives. However, our Mechanical Department has been in contact with other railroads to garner information as to the reliability of the Epic Brake. New Jersey Transit's mechanical people tell us they cannot find any fault with the Epic system. When asked if they have received any complaints from the engineers who use the Epic on a daily basis, they replied that the engineers on New Jersey Transit have nothing but praise for the new system and that they have received no complaints. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway management considers the mechanical department employees of New Jersey Transit to be experts in the workings of the Epic Brake and if they report no flaws in the system then there are no flaws in the system.

We were curious about your reference the Mid-Town Direct service (mis-spelled Mid-Town Neglect in your correspondence) so we called New Jersey Transit Customer Relations and they reported that all their customers love the new service and no complaints have been received. They also referred us to a major commuter coalition group for further comment. The group's spokesman said they thought the service was a great leap forward in commuter convenience and service and couldn't understand why anyone would refer to the service in a derogatory manner.

Bill Clinton cannot afford the services of our apologists.

9. Hey, Mr. "You make Teflon look like sand paper":

You've got damage control and image laundering down to a science. Now then, how do you explain, that after a concerned citizen, while driving innocently along, spots a tank car full of  Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid, gently leaking on a siding, that:

A. The tank car disappears into the bowels of National Chemical and Refining,  reappearing months later, obviously re-numbered.

B. The EPA guy, called to investigate a potential ecological catastrophe, suddenly has a seaside condo at the Jersey shore, and a BMW 840I turbo;

C. His wife gets a body sculpture from a Park Ave. plastic surgeon so extensive that nobody recognizes her with her clothes off except the surgeon, a credit card from Nieman-Marcus with no limit, and she gets a BMW 535;

D. The EPA guy's daughter gets a nose job and braces, a Bloomingdale's credit card with a $50,000 limit, and a BMW 325I convertible;

E. The EPA guy's son gets a Porsche "get out of my way or you're dead, RED" C-4, and a lifetime contract with Fair Oaks to deal with chronic nose bleed and sneezing.

The answer is quite simple.

The "concerned citizen, innocently driving along" was, in fact, a trespassing saboteur for a competing chemical company backed by eastern European interests. He was arrested by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Department and remains in custody while being interrogated by department's chief of interrogation, Lt. Marcus Sade. We now know that his report of a leaking tank car was designed to create false bad publicity for the National Chemical and Refining Corporation and that the leak was, in fact, nothing more than pure spring water which the saboteur poured over the car to make it appear as if there was a dangerous leak.

The tank car was renumbered at the request of the tank car leasing company to avoid further bad publicity.

As a company concerned with the possible waste of taxpayers dollars, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway offered to pay for the EPA agent's wages and expenses while he was engaged in investigating potential pollution on the New Jersey shoreline unrelated to any problems erroneously reported at the NC and R facility. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway graciously offered the use of a vehicle leased for that purpose by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

As to the activities of the EPA agent's family, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management was not aware that the Environmental Protection Agency paid their employees so well. We are as concerned as any about the high cost of government as expressed in wages and benefits, especially family medical benefits, paid to government employees. At the same time, we are also aware that purchases at both Bloomingdales and  Nieman-Marcus are of quality consumer goods which will last a lifetime and are therefore to be considered intelligent purchases. Likewise, BMW and Porsche automobile purchases are considered money well spent.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the matter closed at this time.

10. This is getting a little far-fetched, isn't it? You guys on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team sure have some vivid imaginations. Maybe you've been drinking too much of that bottled water the railroad supplies us with. I think it is laced with some kind of mind altering substance.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team thanks you for your concern in this matter. Having received your letter, we performed quality control tests on a tank car load of the drinking water supplied by the fine people at New Jersey Transit through our dear friends at the National Chemical and Refining Corporation. You will be pleased to know that the water tested was found to be the quality of pure spring water. The chemists at NC and R indicated that they could improve the water to provide the mind altering reactions you were concerned about. The management of NC and R considers the project worthy and has given it a top priority.

11. Ok, Mr. " I have an answer to everything ":

How do you explain that whenever the EPA and or the DEP people come to inspect the facilities of National Chemical and Refining:

A. They never get into the plant proper to make their inspections.

B. That they always end up in an LT company car.

C. Usually, within 2 or 3 days of their intended visit, there is a glowing report in the local papers praising NC&R for its commitment to environmental responsibility.

Due to the ever changing requirements of the chemical industry, environmental concerns, and upgrading the facilities for a more efficient operation, the plant is under constant renovation and new construction. Consequently, entrances to the plant are closed to visitors at various times during the day. It is unfortunate that sometimes this causes inconvenience for inspectors who may arrive to view the facilities. To partially make up for this inconvenience, the NC and R Corporation provides facilities for the inspectors to interview selected employees at our Conference Center located some distance from the plant. To ensure the safety of the inspectors, transportation to the Conference Center is graciously provided by the NC and R Corporation at the company's expense. Sometimes the interviews can take several days (in order to ensure an inspection is properly competed, all night sessions with these selected employees are usually necessary).

Inspectors from the EPA and DEP always leave the Conference Center satisfied that the NC and R Corporation is operating with the safety of it's employees and the environment as its most cherished concern.

11. What is Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid, and how/what is it used for?

Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid is a chemical developed in the laboratories of National Chemical and Refining. While the name sounds ominous, in reality, it is an additive in eye drops for infants. The full CBR suits worn by the plant workers involved in it's production are merely a precaution and are not indicative of any danger to the employees. There is no truth to the rumor that the United States Government considers a tank car of Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid to be a Weapon of Mass Destruction nor does the armed members of Seal Team Two accompanying the shipment have any significance whatsoever.

12. Why is it left lying around in leaky tank cars?

The "tank cars" you refer to are not tank cars at all but are used Nuclear Fuel Transportation Vessels which the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has purchased from the United States Nuclear Regulatory Agency at a discounted price. What you refer to as "leaking" is simply condensation which forms on the outside of the vessel due to the enormous heat generated by the chemical within the vessel. The fact that the railroad uses such a vessel must not be construed to mean that there is any danger of any kind to the employees of the LT, NC and R, or anyone near the railroad while the chemical is being transported.

13. Well, Mr. " I run a clean, tight, operation":

We have discovered inconsistencies in your explanations/excuses about a particular HAZ-MAT you transport; namely Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid. When asked, the EPA said it was a "strong corrosive agent". When we asked both the American Chemical Society and the American Chemical Manufacturer's Association, they both replied that it was one of the ten most dangerous man made chemicals on the planet, due in part that it contains numerous free radicals: Chlorous (3), Chloric (7), Flourous (5), Flouric (2), Sulfates of Hydrogen, Sodium, Mercury 7-7-3, Phosphates of sodium and  chromium. In short, it will dissolve almost anything it comes in contact with except Lead, and certain silica based compounds, such as a very limited number of ceramics. Its boiling point is minus 137 degrees C. Scientists believe that at absolute zero, it will have the consistency of very thick paint. At 100% concentration, its vapor will peel the paint off of the side of a house at a distance of 1/3 mile. As far as shipping it in decommissioned nuclear fuel tank cars, the manufacturer had little choice. These cars a very thick alloy steel, and lined with Lead. However, test show that over a few months, the acid will migrate through the Lead in the way that water will seep through masonry.

The only safe way to deal with this stuff is to dilute it to a concentration of at least 100 PPM.

Now what do you say?

Ever concerned with safety in the workplace and a cleaner environment, the concerned management team at the Lackawanna Terminal asked the "Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Safety in the Workplace Self Empowerment Committee" to check with the fine chemists employed at the Depew, NY facility of the National Chemical and Refining Corporation. They confirm all your findings as to the potent nature of the chemicals you describe. They say, however, that the addition of the Neurotic Free Radical makes the solution so afraid to react with any other material that it becomes completely docile and thereafter safe enough to drink. In fact, only the smallest amount, less than 5 PPM, is required to tame the most dangerous of solutions because the newly created solution's fear of getting involved with it's environment grows upon itself to the point where it actually makes surrounding chemical solutions inactive as well.

While the Neurotic Free Radical was created in the 1960s during the development of mind altering chemicals, it was the invention of totally new "Free Radical Social Integration Technology" that allowed the new use of this Neurotic Free Radical that won the chemists at NC and R a Nobel Prize for Chemistry.

In fact, the Neurotic Free Radical could be used to clean up every Toxic Waste Site in the world had not the NC and R accounting department placed such a high price on the Neurotic Free Radical that not even the G7 nations could afford to purchase it. This "radically" new concept of taking an incredibly important scientific discovery and making it too expensive to use was presented in a paper delivered at the annual meeting of  The American Association of Certified Profitable Accountants. The paper, titled "The Manipulation of the Free Radical and its Eventual Conversion into the Value Added Radical", received seven standing ovations during the presentation. NC and R Corporation is justly proud of the fine employees working diligently in the accounting department..

While we understand your concern for the environment and unhealthy chemical additives in consumer products we hope that you will be reassured, as we are, of the safety and quality of the products developed by the environmentally conscious people of NC and R.

As to the deterioration of the shipping vessels used to transport the Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway tests it's rolling stock in accordance with AAR regulations and the car department assures us that all the equipment described as used Nuclear Fuel Transportation Vessels are in excellent condition and present no hazard either to the workers, the environment, or the public at large.

Again, we thank you for your concern and hope this answers all your questions about the products transported by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

14. OK, how do you explain that, per month, all calls to your Internet Provider except 5 or 6, are to deepdarkdesires.com? And why are the calls made to fantacies_r_us.com from your home billed to the RR's IP account?

In order to maintain reliable communications for the safety of our employees on the property, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway acquired  the communications company, Marconi Wireless, Inc. Two of that company's component parts were deepdarkdesires.com and fantacies_r_us.com. While the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team does not advocate pornography on the World Wide Web, these two components of the newly acquired Marconi Wireless, Inc. have, in fact, been quite profitable for the company and the income from these two enterprises has allowed the Lackawanna Terminal Railway to expand its communications net to cover the entire system with the finest, most costly equipment available.

In order to best monitor the profitability of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's resources, the company has ordered it's managers to maintain a constant watch on deepdarkdesires.com and fantacies_r_us.com and have added these two web sites to the startup programs of all the computers in the corporate private offices so that they come up when the computers are started every morning.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team continues to monitor these two assets on a daily basis. It is interesting to note that since these web sites were added to the corporate computers, managers have been coming to work earlier and staying considerably later than is considered normal or prudent. We consider this abnormal interest in the business aspects of the corporation, on the part of it's employees, to be an advantage our competitors do not possess.

When the corporate stockholders of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway learned of our new holdings, they insisted that our communications department add the two web pages to the computer startup programs in their corporate offices as well so that they could keep better track of their holdings. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team was only too happy to comply with this request.

15. I suppose that the appearance of a  stretch limousine, with blacked out windows and the license plate BIMBOSRUS, at the LT corporate HQ at about 11:00 PM each night, whisking away from 2 to 5 Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management types and returning between 3 and 5 AM in the morning, is part of some grand scheme to increase productivity and boost employee moral?

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team is always vigilant in its efforts to weed out unprofitable divisions within the company and, in fact, spend many hours beyond the normal workday doing so. With the recent acquisition of Marconi Wireless, Inc., the employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team have been keeping a close watch on two of Marconi's, supposedly,  most profitable assets: deepdarkdesires.com and fantacies_r_us.com (see explanation above concerning these two new profit centers).

Since these two organizations are recent additions to the Lackawanna Terminal Family, the Management Team considers it imperative that they visit the facilities where deepdarkdesires.com and fantacies_r_us.com are produced for a first hand look at the methods and techniques used in providing the pictures and sound that seem of such great interest to their subscribers. This explains the many trips to the Lackawanna Terminal Conference Center where the communications facilities have been moved. The members of the LT Management Team have become intimately involved in these new projects and report that the Lackawanna Terminal Corporation has truly made a wise purchase.

The reason for the management team's late hours at the deepdarkdesires.com and fantacies_r_us.com facilities is their never ending dedication to the company which allows them to visit the new facilities only after their normal work hours. The limousine you mentioned is provided by Marconi Wireless, Inc. as a courtesy to the Management Team and is considered a classy touch by the Lackawanna Terminal management.

Yes, morale is extremely high on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

16. Answer this, Mister We Are The Captains of Industry!

Through the diligent efforts of our mole, buried deep within the bowels of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Archive Destruction, we have uncovered the LT's crass disregard for the public welfare as demonstrated by the following letters and interoffice memos. How do you, Mister Pure of Heart, justify such ill treatment of children by the LT management and the cover up so grossly mishandled?

Dear Mr. Railroad President:Can I please have a cab ride? I promise I'll be quiet and not  ask the engineer if I can blow the horn or other stuff.

    Thank you very much.

    Little Billy

Dear Little Billy:

Thank you for your interest in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Before we can allow you to ride in the cab of one of our big locomotives we have to be sure that you are grown up enough. Please send us a picture of you. . .and your mommy. Only then can we determine if you are big enough.

Sincerely,
Mr. Railroad President

To Mr. Railroad President, from the law offices of Dooey, Suem, and Howe:

Dear Sir:

Our office has been retained, with an extremely large stipend, to represent the family of Billy, his mommy, and daddy, with regard to little Billy's request for a cab ride on a locomotive of your railroad.

Unless some kind of agreement can be reached regarding said request for the aforementioned cab ride, my clients will pursue the only available means at their disposal, i.e. a suit filled by mommy and daddy for Little Billy, a minor; a suit filled by mommy, a suit filled by daddy, and a suit filled jointly by mommy and daddy.

Little Billy's suit contends that due to the sharpness, lack of sensitivity, and the overbearing tone of your reply, he is now afraid to watch his Thomas the Tank Engine videos account Mr. Toppam Hat reminds him of you. The mere mention of Mr. Hat sends Little Billy running, screaming with fear from the room. He now has nightmares where Mr. Hat tries to beat him with an umbrella. His parents fear that this emotional scar will take years of very expensive therapy to cure, if a cure is possible.

A suit, when filed by mommy, contends that your request of a picture of Little Billy constitutes admission of you being a pedophile, as why else would an adult male want a picture of a preadolescent male. Her suit will also contend that the photograph, as requested, should also include her. As a result of this request, she has become overwhelmed with fear, and she is now sexually dysfunctional. She feels that this picture, should you ever come to posses it, would be tantamount to stalking. She fears that when you would look at the picture, you would undress her with your eyes, and God only knows what else. The possibility exists that you would pass the photograph around to your friends.

Daddy's suit will contend that, due to his wife's sexual dysfunction, he is being deprived of the physical love of his wife, and the attendant emotional and physical complications, that will require many years of expensive therapy.

The suit to be jointly filled by mommy and daddy will name your railroad, you, your employees, your vendors, their employees, your customers, their employees, their vendors, their employees, any local, state, and federal employees of any railroad regulatory agencies that have anything to do with you, your railroad, its successors, and/or assigns, as correspondents in their marriage becoming dysfunctional.

While we wish to avoid litigation at all costs, we must also protect the interests of our clients.

Looking forward to your reply,

Patrick Suem
Junior Partner,
Dooey, Suem, and Howe
 

CONFIDENTIAL INTEROFFICE MEMO FROM THE DESK OF LIONEL HOWE:

Dear Mr. Suem:

You imbecile! While I realize that you did not sign the above letter to the corporate offices of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, it is obvious to all in the firm that you are responsible for this tome of contemptible pettifoggery.

The next time you file one of our infamous frivolous lawsuits, please check to see which law firm represents the accused. It will interest you to know that the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe also represents the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation. Need I explain further that pursuit of this legal action will cost the firm millions of dollars in lost business? 

Therefore, as senior partner of the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe, I am instructing you to immediately inform the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy that this organization can no longer represent them in this suit. Furthermore, in order to avoid entanglements from any future litigation brought against the Lackawanna Terminal Railway by any future representatives of the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy, you are to immediately begin writing a brief in defense of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway based on:

1. The voluntary nature of the request for a cab ride by the complainant

and,

2. The immensely reasonable request by the railroad for a picture of Little Billy and Mommy so as to closely estimate little Billy's height and  weight relative to an adult whereby the railroad can determine Little Billy's suitability as a cab ride candidate therefore eliminating the expense of Little Billy's family traveling to a terminal of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway only to find that the child does not meet the company's stringent but reasonable conditions for riding in a locomotive cab. If the aforementioned persuasive arguments in favor of dropping the suit against the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation are not successful, you are authorized to show the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy the photographs taken by our investigative bureau chief, Mr. Marcus Sade, showing:

1. Mommy exchanging money with three lesbians at the Transvestite Bar

2. The photos of Daddy in bed with an overweight bimbo and her grade school dropout husband after the "Bikers from Hell" motorcycle rally in Ypsilanti, Michigan while he was on a "business" trip

and,

3. The photos of Little Billy boffing the neighbor's cat.

I am sure that you will be able to persuade the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy that further action against the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation would be detrimental to all concerned and that their best interests would be served by dropping the suit and moving to a rural and extremely isolated part of some third world country.
    The partners of the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe, especially your uncle, the Honorable Chief Justice Horatio Suem, retired, will be watching your progress in this matter and we are certain that you will be able to bring this matter to a satisfactory conclusion.

Give my love to your mother,

Lionel

The Management Team of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is shocked and dismayed that such correspondence would come to be public knowledge but, since there is no proof that these letters and interoffice memos are anything but falsely fabricated lies to embarrass the Lackawanna Terminal's management and employees, we deny their existence utterly.

To prevent the further spread of such prevarication, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team has assigned it's chief investigative officer, Lt. Marcus Sade, to weed out the disloyal employee responsible for this deceit. To further put a lie to the above letters, Lt. Marcus Sade traveled to Little Billy's residence and discovered that Little Billy's neighbor does not even have a cat but rather owns a small dog so shy it runs away whenever small children approach. This type of dog has been described by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Employee Assistance Program Psychologist as one which would never participate in the activities described in the letters displayed above.

While it is not the responsibility of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway to make restitution for any emotional stress resulting from the disingenuous release of these false documents, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team  has offered Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy jobs at our most recently acquired profit centers, deepdarkdesire.com and fantacies-r-us.com as our way of making amends for this outrage perpetrated upon them by, as yet, unknown scoundrels. We are happy to announce that the whole family has accepted our offer and we welcome them warmly into our LT family.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the matter closed at this time.

18. I see that Mount Morris, New York, once a bucolic country setting, is now home to an intrusive, sprawling, noise and pollution producing intermodal terminal. Congratulations! You have turned Mount Morris from a one horse town into a three horse town!  
- Otto Vondrak, Rochester Institute of Technology

Actually, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway never intended to develop an intermodal terminal at this location. In fact, when representatives from the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Industrial Development and Regional Cooperation Department's Industrial Site Selection Committee visited Mount Morris they were so impressed with the clean, healthy environment and the warm, friendly people that they immediately placed Mount Morris on the top of their list for a toxic waste dump.

Unfortunately, the toxic waste dump distribution list was controlled by the good folks at National Chemical and Refining so the next best alternative was to place a huge intermodal yard smack in the center of the little burg so that the citizens could reap the benefits of a major new employer bringing in high paying jobs (which broadened the area's economic base), traffic congestion, diesel exhaust emissions, and the attendant high noise levels 24 hours a day.

All this plus the constant arrival and departure of trains during the night, the switching of long cuts of intermodal freight cars across local streets during the morning and evening commute times, and the opening of two dozen honky tonk bars on main street has added much to the lifestyles of the fine citizens of Mount Morris.

Those of us on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Industrial Development and Regional Cooperation Department's Industrial Site Selection Committee are proud to note that, since the development of the intermodal terminal, the incidents of homicide, aggravated assault and other acts of violence within the town of Mount Morris and its surrounding communities now rank second only to Washington, DC.

It may also interest you to know that the title "three horse town" is no longer appropriate since the three horses you refer to in your obviously derogatory comments toward this quiet community were tragically killed when they wandered into the path of a departing LT intermodal freight train.

The members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Industrial Development and Regional Cooperation Department's Industrial Site Selection Committee are justly proud that the implementation of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's industrial base expansionist philosophy expounded in our corporate manual titled,

"Extreme development is good for you"

once again benefits a community in need.

18. Speaking of Toxic Waste Dumps, isn't it true that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway offered to donate a parcel of land to the City of Buffalo to build a new hockey arena and that this land is on the EPA's "Most Dangerously Toxic Waste Dump" list (a list so exclusive that the only other site included is the Chernobyl Nuclear Reactor building and adjacent grounds located in the former Soviet Union)? In addition, is it not true that this parcel of land is so polluted that the EPA has determined that the only means of properly cleaning the site is to explode a nuclear device in the middle of the dump? What do you say to that, FAQ Man?

Ever mindful of the appropriate use of mass transit for moving large groups of people and, therefore, the growing imperative for mass transit in urban locations, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team felt that a sports arena located adjacent to railroad property would provide a convenient, low impact, environmentally friendly way for fans to see their favorite teams in competition.

To this end, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Community Sports and Exposition Arena Location and Development Committee, in cooperation with the City of Buffalo Council for the Improvement of Revenues, chose a little used parcel of land located next to the property of the Buffalo Baby Food Company, a valued customer of the railroad and producer of the finest baby food products available on the market today.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Community Sports and Exposition Arena Location and Development Committee, after reading editorials critical of the railroad's legitimate offer to the community of Buffalo in several local papers, offered to investigate the claims that the property is unsuitable for development due to the highly toxic nature of waste material stored there. At the time of the offer, the Committee was unaware that the Buffalo Baby Food Company stored byproducts from the manufacture of their wholesome products at the location selected for the sports arena. In order to clean away any unsubstantiated claims of fraud or smoky specters of deceit, the Committee immediately ordered samples from the property taken to the good people at National Chemical and Refining for analysis.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Community Sports and Exposition Arena Location and Development Committee, after receiving the results of the tests conducted by our good friends at the National Chemical and Refining Company is happy to announce that the chemicals claimed by so many highly respected scientists and environmental groups to be extremely toxic are nothing more unsavory than products found every day in the average home. It was simply the long chemical names of the materials that caused normally intelligent and well meaning individuals and groups to become alarmed.

In fact, the Buffalo Baby Food Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of the El Habad Baby Formula Company of Baghdad has assured the Lackawanna Terminal Railway that they thoroughly test all products and materials that leave the building of the Buffalo Baby Food Company for wholesomeness and purity and would not allow any product or material to leave the building if it did not meet their strict quality control criteria. The fact that the Buffalo Baby Food Company bulk ships their products in Lackawanna Terminal's ex-Nuclear Regulatory Commission's recently decommissioned "spent nuclear fuel" tank cars has little impact on the facts of this case.

To help make the public aware of the Buffalo Baby Food Company's growing commitment to the community, the company has surrounded their Buffalo, NY facility with a crowd of chanting men, women and children, all of whom are employees or relatives of employee who work at the plant.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the matter closed at this time.

19. Is it true that the Norfolk Southern Railway has attempted a hostile takeover of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway? And was the Lackawanna Terminal in anyway involved in the illegal fireworks display conducted last week in downtown Scranton?

The Management of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has always considered the possibility that another railroad would want to acquire the assets of our Transportation Division. We were not aware, until recently, that the Norfolk Southern was so impressed with our profitability and management philosophy that they would pursue a hostile takeover of the railroad.

For those who might not understand what we are referring to when we talk about "hostile takeovers" let me briefly explain:

There are several methods by which one company can acquire another, the most pernicious of which is the "hostile takeover". A "hostile takeover" occurs when the CEO of one corporation, with the concurrence of the Board of Directors, authorizes the purchase of another corporation's stock (using profits which should legitimately be dedicated to the growth and improvement of the profit making company) in order to place his friends on the Board of Directors of the newly controlled company. These friends naturally elect the CEO of the purchasing corporation to head the new corporation so that he may reap obscene profits from stock options and other perks authorized by his friends, the Board of Directors. The Lackawanna Terminal Management Team does not participate in, nor does it condone, such business practices.

Then, there is the Norfolk Southern Railway...

The Norfolk Southern pursued a more disingenuous tactic then is usually accepted when mergers or acquisitions are sought. In fact, not until the front doors of our offices in downtown Scranton, Pennsylvania were blown off their hinges did the full impact of their desires fall upon us (along with most of the ceiling).

That is correct, the Norfolk Southern Railway launched a vicious frontal assault on the headquarters of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. The attack was conducted by a squad of NS hired mercenaries known as the Cho-to-mate Division of the Red Cell "Terrorists Are Us", Inc. We know these mercenaries worked for NS because they all had University of Virginia class rings on their fingers.

The battle started at 11:30 PM (interrupting the start of the very popular program, "People Do People", which is seen on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway communications subsidiary, Fantasies_are_us.com Television Network) and lasted throughout the night leaving many of the attackers dead or wounded. The attack was only just beaten off though the extremely valiant efforts of Lt. Marcus Sade and his company of Lackawanna Terminal Police officers using riot gear, armored personnel carriers, and heavy weapons. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's police force was assisted by members of the National Chemical and Refining Company "Quick Reaction Swat Team" accompanied by NC&R Kiowa Attack Helicopter Squadron Two which arrived just minutes after the commencement of hostilities.

Lackawanna Terminal Railway Police and employee casualties are considered light and all injuries were immediately taken care of in the Lackawanna Terminal Headquarters infirmary by our dedicated staff of nurse practitioners. These injuries are not considered "on the job" injuries as defined by the Federal Railway Administration and are therefore "non reportable" to the Federal Government.

The continuation of this "hostile takeover" was finally thwarted when a commando team led by Lt Marcus Sade stormed the headquarters of the Norfolk Southern Railway in Norfolk, Virginia taking captive a viperous nest of conspirators lodged deep within the bowels of the NS headquarters building. The Norfolk Southern Railway denies any connection between the devious plotting of these malevolent conspirators and it's normal business practices. The management of the Lackawanna Terminal has no reason to doubt the fine leaders of the Norfolk Southern Railway and considers the matter closed at this time.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway is also unaware of any fireworks program that was scheduled last week in downtown Scranton.

20. Is the Lackawanna Terminal Railway stock publicly or privately held?  If the stock is publicly traded,  what is the symbol and market?

                                                               - (Name withheld)

Dear Unnamed Person:

Thank you for your interest in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. We here at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction are pleased that you are interested in the corporate structure that surrounds and protects the Lackawanna Railway's Terminal Management Team from gratuitous government meddling and frivolous lawsuits by private individuals. The usual correspondence we receive relates to the color schemes of our motive power, requests for cab rides, and other fatuous interrogatories.

It will interest you to know that all Lackawanna Terminal Railway stock is owned by a privately held holding company called Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. headquartered in Suva, the capital city of the Fiji Islands. The Corporate headquarters is based there due to the low tax rate for foreign investors and a close working relationship with Fijian authorities engendered by gifts and blatant cash payoffs. You might also be interested to know that, due to the dedicated nature of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. shareholders and corporate officers, the annual shareholder's meetings held during January and February on the Island of Fiji are always well attended.

Each year, as much as a week or two before the meetings, the entire fleet of Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. corporate jets can be seen streaming into Fiji International Airport with enthusiastic corporate "movers and shakers" while limousines, supplied by fantasies_are_us.com (a division of Marconi Wireless) wait patiently to whisk the shareholders and corporate officers to their luxury suites atop the Fiji Hilton in Suva.

This important business conference usually lasts three to four weeks as many difficult decisions concerning the running of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway must be made while all the shareholders are gathered in one place. But lest you get too concerned about the spiritual and corporeal welfare of the good people who control the future of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, rest assured that all participants are assured rest. No decision affecting the future of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway will be made in haste, without proper rest, or with an incapacitated intellect.

Entertainment to soothe the weary mind and flagging body is flown in from the LT Corporate Headquarters in Scranton, PA courtesy of our newest profit center, Deepdarkdesires.com (a division of Marconi Wireless). No expense has been spared to assure that those who make the difficult decisions are well rested and properly entertained by our well trained hosts and hostesses so that the tough corporate decisions can be made with a clear mind and refreshed body.

Last year nearly all of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd's 237 Vice Presidents were in attendance as well as all of their secretaries. Due to the extremely tight schedule of meetings and exhaustive "business, first, last, and always" nature of the proceedings (most of which often last late into the night and oft times end up in the participant's private suites), employee's wives are not encouraged to attend these conferences.

The future of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has never been better thanks to the concerned officers and shareholders of Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. and it's wholly owned subsidiary, The Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

We hope that we have sufficiently explained the complex corporate structure that supports the good people at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Proper flow charts showing the complexity of stock manipulations, profit diversion, and regulatory agency payoffs are available for inspection at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Corporate
Headquarters in Scranton, Pennsylvania. To view these corporate treasures, please call The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction for an appointment.

Sincerely,
Lackawanna Terminal Railway Department of Denial and Archive Destruction

21. Dear Mr. L. T. President:

Although its been a while since we corresponded, it doesn't mean we haven't been watching you. Quite the contrary, we are amazed at the rapid growth the LT is experiencing. Lots of traffic to haul in the shiny new cars, pulled by lots of shiny new engines.
   
Interesting thing about your new cars. A check of the National Equipment Register for the past eighteen months shows NO cars sold to, transferred to, or rebuilt by the LT. There is no record of the LT purchasing former lease cars. There is no record of the LT having purchased any new cars, either outright or by adding on to an existing order, as reported to us by the nation's car builders. We have checked with the U. S. Customs, and they report no importation of any rail freight rolling stock. We even went so far as to check with the nation's steel producers, and they report no specialty steel shipping anywhere. And just to be sure, your shop employees, off the record, of course, report nothing more than hundreds of gallons of paint, and some LT stencils in the shop. No major rehab work.
   
So, our question to you is, if you're not purchasing new freight cars from Athearn or Walthers, from whom are you stealing your new freight cars?
                                                                           Inquiring Reporter

(To answer this question we have enlisted the aid of Paul Tupaczewski, president of the newly formed Lackawanna Terminal Railway Technical and Historical Society)

Dear Inquiring Reporter,

We, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Technical and Historical Society, have seen through your nefarious attempts to "uncover" what you believe is the dubious appropriation of newly acquired railroad rolling stock. We, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Technical and Historical Society, would like to put to rest forever these same unfounded attempts at slandering the fine name of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway since your allegations, if proven to be true, would, at the very least, require the attention of a Grand Jury. You may, however, rest assured that the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society has thoroughly researched the genealogy of all the Lackawanna Terminal's locomotives and rolling stock. We hope that we can address your concerns below.

As you are no doubt aware, rail traffic over the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has been rising at a staggering rate due, in part, to improvements in the economy, but mostly due to the tightly controlled management of everyone's favorite railroad, by highly skilled transportation professionals. This increase in traffic has required the LT to look for ways to increase its freight car fleet to handle the burgeoning demand put on it.

The reasons your exhaustive research has not disclosed the origins of the Lackawanna Terminal's new freight cars are several:

1. The LTT&HS uses the "Official Railroad Equipment Register", or ORER, which is the industry standard. The reference work you must be referring to is the one used by that group of made up railroads in the Midwest (Appalachian Something or Other, you know, that one with the Something and Ohio, Virginia middle of Somewhere, and Allegheny Someplace) and is therefore less than accurate for the purposes you pursue.

2. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway has a highly skilled shop force, with well paid, skilled laborers with a penchant for burritos. Our new cars were built in house to the most exacting industry standards. The reason the shop workers reported no rehabilitation work in progress is because the Lackawanna Terminal Railway freight car rebuild program is broken down into such small components that the workers seldom know what type of equipment they are working on. It is also possible they didn't understand your English dialect. In any case, the names and addresses of these employees have been duly noted by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Importation and will be dealt with as appropriate.

3. The reason you have not noted any steel being imported into the United States for the building of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's freight car fleet is that the LT firmly believes in "Made in the USA" and therefore contracts with the fine management and employees at the Stradivarius Steel (a division of Athenia Steel) plant  in West Corning, NY to fill it's requirements for the appropriate steel products. This also answers the question as to why no major steel manufacturer has orders from the Lackawanna Terminal for steel product suitable for freight car construction.

4. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway is also outsourcing many of it's freight car acquisition contracts and  has been coordinating much of this work with the La Salle & Bureau County Railroad.

Any other speculation as to the  origin of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's freight car fleet would be vacuous.

We thank you for your interest in the Lackawanna Terminal. May we suggest a membership in the LTT&HS to further expand your knowledge in this exciting and progressive railroad system?

        - Paul R. Tupaczewski
          President, LTT&HS

22. Dear Mr. RR President:

Those of us in the Special Interest Press who toil endlessly, and without great monetary reward, for the truth are astounded and appalled at your latest attempt to explain away your continuing business practices as sound and honest. 

Now, it appears, you have enlisted the aid of innocent railfans, in the form of the members of the, as yet to be formed LTT&HS, taking advantage of the unbridled enthusiasm and boundless energy of these well intentioned people to proclaim for all the world that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is a company that has the best interests of its employees and customers alike, at heart.

It is unfortunate that Mr. P. Tupaczewski, upon whom you have bestowed the dubious honor of President of the, as yet to be created Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society, and obviously an ardent supporter of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, has innocently allowed himself to be caught up in this reprehensible and unimaginative prevarication. Your public relations staff must spend endless hours in the centrifuge at the Johnson Space Center in Houston just to get on your team of apologists and "spin professionals".

We, the members of the underpaid and overworked Special Interest Press feel that the truth of the matter is that your use of the, as yet to be created Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society, is nothing more than another vehicle from which you will continue to advance the cause of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's criminal business practices. So far you have succeeded in duping the public but you will find those of us impecunious and languorous members of the Special Interest Press are not fooled or intimidated by your actions.
   
The fact, uncovered surreptitiously by our undercover sources deep within the bowels of the Lackawanna Terminal headquarters in Scranton, PA, that the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society President has an office in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Headquarters Building next to, and directly connected with, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Department of Archive Destruction and that the President of the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society is a full time employee of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and a board member of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd with access to the highest levels of management as well as access to the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd's Corporate 747 only proves that the, as yet to be formed LTT&HS, will be just another vent, from which more corporate bile will flow generously over the unsuspecting public.

Is there no limit to the depth of your shallow, crass arrogance?

Apparently not.

We, the members of the penurious and hebetudinous Special Interest Press, while carefully reviewing the answers to our question regarding the "acquisition" of your new freight cars are also waiting for the latest disingenuous response to the charges we have outlined concerning the relationship between the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and their puppet organization, The Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society.

                                                                                           With kindest regards,
                                                                                           The Inquiring Reporter

Dear Inquiring Reporter:

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team and the employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway want to thank you for your expression of sincere solicitude in the matter of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's business practices, i.e., the procurement of railroad rolling stock as well as the relationship between the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society. We understand that no business is above scrutiny and so we will endeavor to answer your inquiries in two parts:

1. Let me assure you and both of your devoted readers that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway requires, and always expects, it's employees to adhere to the most stringent policies where business ethics is concerned and would like you and both of your devoted readers to remain assured that the Lackawanna Terminal management and their employees have done nothing remotely suspect in any phase of the procurement of completed freight cars, or materials and subassemblies required for the construction thereof.

In an effort to prove to the Special Interest Press that all Lackawanna Terminal Railway business practices are honest and above board we have invited the Publishers and Editors of all the leading Special Interest Press publications to our Scranton, PA. Conference Center where the staff of the Conference Center, run by the good folks at deepdarkdesires.com and Fantacies_r_us.com, will hold a week long symposium during which all aspects of the Lackawanna Terminal's business practices will be demonstrated and discussed at length. Once again, due to the expected long hours and strictly business nature of this symposium, the wives of the Publishers and Editors will be discouraged from attending this most serious meeting.

After the symposium is concluded, those of the invited Publishers and Editors who remain unconvinced of the railroad's irreproachability will be flown to the headquarters of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. in Suva, the Capital of the Fiji Islands, in the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. Corporate 747 to view all the relevant documents stored by the Department of Denial and Archive Destruction so that there will remain no doubts concerning the ethical business practices of any of the subsidiaries of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. Since we understand that this month long investigation will be arduous for those participating, our trained and experienced staff of men and women will be on call twenty four hours a day to help in any way they can to ease the burden of these hard working ombudsmen/women.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management and employees are absolutely certain that the final report to the industry given by the Publishers and Editors of the Special Interest Press on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's business practices will show conclusively that they are pure as natural spring water.

2. We understand completely the cynicism the Special Interest Press has toward the creation of the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society and so we would like to talk briefly about the origins, purpose, and relationship they, and their leadership, have with the management of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

The LTT&HS was formed in the late seventies when railfans finally figured out that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway was going to be around for a while. Their self imposed mission was to document the history, motive power, rolling stock, and all aspect of the Lackawanna Terminal's physical plant and make that information available to all interested parties. They are registered in the states of New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania as a not-for-profit organization.

The management of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, always interested in the preservation of historical facts and memorabilia, immediately embraced the organization and arranged for the group to lease, for a nominal fee, an office in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's headquarters building in downtown Scranton, PA. The group accepted our offer with enthusiasm.

While it is true that the LTT&HS is housed next to the Department of Denial and Archive Destruction, they are located thus solely to simplify the identification and preservation of important documents and not, as you infer, for the priming or the warping to our ways of the innocent and enthusiastic railfan community so as to fulfill some imagined obscurantistic plot.

The fact that the president of the LTT&HS is an employee of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway should come as no surprise. During his close business relationship with the Lackawanna Terminal management, he has demonstrated an expertise in areas which we found would be beneficial to the growth and preservation of the railroad. Because of his strong business acumen, and his close ties with organized crime, we have promoted him to manager of the Corporate Cafeteria, also known as the "High Heels Catering Club", which is located on a narrow side street near the headquarters building. The "High Heels Catering Club" is a wholly owned subsidiary of deepdarkdesires.com and is a popular after hours establishment with a restful atmosphere where the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's top executives gather after normal working hours to discuss the events of the day and plan the next day's business while dining in a relaxing, candlelit environment, sipping copious amounts of liquid libations and absorbing prodigious amounts of powdered productivity enhancers, with live entertainment to ease the stresses of the day. The Lackawanna Terminal Management Team finds that executives visiting the "High Heels Catering Club" after work go home refreshed and relaxed after a long day of battling the dark forces of competition which seek to destroy the fine company we have worked so hard to establish and nurture over these long and hard years.

Part of the mission of the "High Heels Catering Club" is to cater the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, LTD's Corporate 747 and other company planes as well as the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Inspection Train which is seen frequently plying the rails with Corporate officers, Customers, and Government officials who wish to get a better understanding of the operations of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. To this end, the president of the LTT&HS, in his function as manager of the "High Heels Catering Club"  must have access to all the Corporate equipment and facilities. This access benefits the Society in many obvious ways.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team believes this relationship between the two organizations to be symbiotic in nature and encourages close communications between the two for the benefit of both. We consider the matter closed at this time.

23. Dear Lackawanna Terminal Railway Freight Claims Department, et. al.,

I have come into possession, by way of mutual friends, a piece of  "railroadiana"; an actual "Bad Order" form from the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, dated October 12, 1998. It notes that loaded R&IT Box 10783 destined for Electro-Abrasives in Hamburg (Buffalo), NY, was set out by the Lackawanna Terminal crew for a hi/lo coupler. It is signed by an inspector S. Kay, and notes that the car was repaired November 5, 1998. I write as a drooling, raving railfan to inquire if the LTT&HS can authenticate this document for me.

I also write on behalf of our CMO (who has currently fled to his hometown in Pa.) inquiring why the Official Register shows the Lackawanna Terminal Railway fleet growing by one car, while our own fleet decreased by one. Also, why can't your claims clerk find our car in Buffalo, or anywhere on the line?

The good folks at Norfolk Southern offered their help in the matter, but we politely declined.

We humbly await your reply on this very urgent matter.

Otto Vondrak
VP R&IT RR Co.

From the Office of Legal Affairs
Lackawanna Terminal Railway
Scranton, PA

Dear Mr. Vondrak:

Thank you for your correspondence of 12/25/98. We regret not having responded sooner, however, the entire legal department was at a conference in Suva, the capital of the Fiji Islands, for the duration of Christmas week and, unfortunately, your correspondence was left out of the company mail that is forwarded to us every day by corporate jet. I will now try to answer the questions and concerns outlined in your letter.

First and foremost, all documents generated by employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway are, and remain, the property of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway into perpetuity or until such time as they are conveyed to the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society for safekeeping. It is, therefore, illegal for you or anyone else to possess any documents generated by employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway unless those documents are forwarded to you as a part of such business as you may have occasion to conduct with the railroad. Since you say in your letter that you received a "Bad Order" form "by way of mutual friends" you obviously have come by this most important paperwork through illegitimate means and this being the case, the "Bad Order" form must be returned forthwith to the nearest office of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. The nearest Lackawanna Terminal Railway office is that of The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Freight Agent at #1 Coit Street in Rochester, NY.

The consequences for failing to return the aforementioned document as directed are severe and include arrest, imprisonment, a possible fine, and foreclosure on any property you might own now or in the future. Please believe me when I say that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Office of Legal Affairs is prepared to initiate an order for your arrest and incarceration as well as commence legal proceedings against those from whom you say you received the document mentioned in your correspondence. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Office of Legal Affairs is prepared to take this case to court before the end of the millennia and, therefore, will leave you no legal recourse but to comply with our request for the return of the form which you have surreptitiously obtained.

Now, as to the content of the "Bad Order" form you clam to have in your possession, the staff of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Legal Affairs has done extensive research into the subject of documents concerning the setting out of railroad freight equipment which does not meet the extremely high standards of the Lackawanna Terminal Mechanical Department and have determined that a freight car, #10873 of the Rochester & Irondequoit Terminal Railroad was interchanged to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway on 10/12/98. Upon inspection, the aforementioned freight car was refused in interchange due to many AAR mechanical violations including the "hi/lo" coupler problem. A "Bad Order" tag was affixed to the car and it was placed back on the outbound interchange track to be returned to the R&IT Railroad. In such a case, the car is considered to have never been received in interchange.

A check of the yard clerk's paperwork shows that the car was not included in a yard check taken the following day and therefore it was determined that the car was, in fact, picked up by an R&IT crew and not repaired on 11/5/98 as your form seems to indicate. No further information of the disposition of this car can be determined at this time. Please check the records of the R&IT Railroad  for more information as to the disposition of R&IT car #10873.

It is important to note at this time that the contents of car #10873, which was billed to Electro-Abrasives in Hamburg (Buffalo), NY, included bars of highly refined precious metals used in coating and plating processes and is considered of extreme high value. Since, however, the car was never officially received in interchange by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway cannot be held responsible in any way for the security of the car's contents.

To answer the final question in your correspondence, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is continually adding new equipment to it's growing fleet of freight cars as well as upgrading and rehabilitating old and obsolete freight cars so as to best serve an ever increasing number of important customers. That the "Official Register" shows an increase in Lackawanna Terminal Railway equipment should come to no surprise to those who have followed the growth of this vital regional railroad.

To determine why the Rochester & Irondequoit Terminal Railroad's car fleet has diminished by one, it is apparent that you must check with your Chief Mechanical Officer who seems to have absented himself during this most crucial time and in a most suspicious manner. It would be prudent for the officers of the R&IT police to check through the bank accounts as well as the credit card accounts of the R&IT Chief Mechanical Officer for aberrations in his or his family's normal spending habits. To this end, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Legal Affairs offers to the Rochester and Irondequoit Terminal Railroad the services of it's chief investigator, Mr. Marcus Sade to help solve the mystery of the missing car #10873 and it's cargo of precious metals.

We await your reply,
The Department of Legal Affairs
Lackawanna Terminal Railway

24. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's attempt at smoothing things over (re: the lose of Rochester and Irondequoit Terminal Railroad's boxcar #10783) with a digital Christmas card was not appreciated. We feel that your denominational greeting was insensitive and rude, and did not address the issue at hand.

However, the executives of the R&IT would like to thank you for the female companions,  champagne, and use of the Party House last night. On behalf of the members of the Rochester and Irondequoit Terminal Railroad Executive Board, we would like to express our sincere thanks for the new sports cars (I didn't know that you could paint DeLoreans orange!).

Oh, and if that boxcar turns up, do let us know. Whatever.

Deliriously Yours,
Otto Vondrak
VP R&IT RR Co.

From the Office of Lt. Marcus Sade
Lackawanna Terminal Police
Criminal Investigation Division

Dear Mr. Vondrak:

The Office of Criminal Investigation is in receipt of a copy of an electronic Christmas card

which was sent to the president of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. This card is a reproduction of the nondenominational Christmas card sent to all friends of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway as a token of the company's appreciation to those who have supported our efforts to improve the quality of transportation throughout the eastern seaboard.

The Office of Criminal Investigation would like to inform you that alteration of the masthead of the aforementioned electronic nondenominational Christmas card is a violation of several copyright laws and as such, sending the aforementioned modified electronic Christmas card over routes of public access such as ATT or similar electronic avenues of public access, violates several federal laws concerning improper use of those electronic routes of access.

Receipt of this letter is confirmation that you have been so informed.

Also be aware that the Office of Criminal Investigation is ready and willing to turn this case over to the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Federal Prosecutor for the City of Rochester, NY. Evidence will include, but is not limited to, photographs of naked men and women at an unauthorized, unsupervised, and totally illegal party at the "Party House", evidence of the ingestion of copious amounts of champagne which was traced to a shipment stolen in Brooklyn, NY during the month of October, a group of known prostitutes performing lascivious and totally illegal acts upon the persons of R&IT company officers, and arrest records for DUI, reckless driving, assaulting officers of the law, resisting arrest, interfering with a police officer in the performance of his duty, and several other felonious acts committed by several officers of the R&IT Railroad while driving Orange DeLoreans at high speeds through the streets of Greater Rochester.

For your information, the "Party House" you refer to in your correspondence was a private home that was vacant while the owners were on vacation. Damage estimates to the house and property exceed $250,000.00. The owners, who are major stock holders of Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd., are filing suit against the Rochester & Irondequoit Terminal Railroad and it's officers for repairs to their home and damage to their reputations in the neighborhood. The suit will ask for compensation in the neighborhood of $5,000,000.00.

We, at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Division of Criminal Investigation hope the season finds you prosperous and in good health. If we can be of further assistance in this matter feel free to contact the Office of Criminal Investigation between the hours of 9:00 am and 9:35 am, Monday through Thursday.

Sincerely,

LT. Marcus Sade
Division of Criminal Investigation
Lackawanna Terminal Railway

25. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

Thanks to the inquiry of Mr. O. Vondrak, and your feeble attempt to explain the non disappearance of  R&IT car # 10873, the members of the Special Interest Press have begun to sift through the mountain of  misleading, and often bordering on out and out  lies, statements you call fact, as we continue our search for the actual origin of your new  freight car fleet, we feel we are very close to, if not having found out, the true source of your  new cars.

At the same time, we, the members of the Special Interest Press must offer a reluctant "thank you" to you, Mr. Railroad President, in that we, having learned through a most trusted, credible source very close to you, that you made reference to the fact that the members of the Special Interest Press, and I in particular, have  the attention span of a squirrel. As squirrels are very good at problem solving, we, the members of the Special Interest Press and I in particular, take that as a compliment of the highest order.

And now, here are the results of our most detailed investigation, thus far, into the origin of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's new cars:

1. One of your biggest customers, if not your biggest customer, is the National Chemical and Refining Co. It is an immense complex. Just  looking at the track diagram, one would be overwhelmed at the number of  sidings, holding tracks, loading/unloading bays, and warehouses. It was the warehouses that got our attention and one in particular. Its the one with the siding running into it, surrounded by a double, 12 foot  high, topped by razor wire, chain link fence, that is conspicuously missing from said track diagram that caught our attention. Its the one that is off limits to all NC&R employees, except  a select few.

2. Now, we go to Saltillo, Mexico. Saltillo is a fairly large urban area, and is the location of a substantial NdeM rail facility. At the end of a long spur, that at first glance, appears to go through various abandoned lots and past crumbling factories, is an old tin building. This building is about the size of a large single stall engine house. At one end is a small office. All the windows are opaque, as
they appear to have never been cleaned. The building is surrounded by broken, rusting iron castings from machines that were never made. There are piles of rusting sheet metal. It looks as if the track hasn't been used in decades, as weeds and small trees have encroached upon the track. If the building was ever painted, it is impossible to tell. Above the office door is a sign with faded red lettering that says Fero-Mex. However, upon close inspection, the rails are shiny, indicating this track is used frequently.

3. In Paris, France, there is a company called Les Ateliers Internationaux de Machinerie  D'Exportation, which roughly translates into "the makers of machinery for international export". (As an aside, for your information, the acronym L.A.I.M.E is pronounced "lame"). Do the names Isodor Dooey, Patrick Suem, and Lionel Howe sound familiar? They should, as they are the senior partners of the law firm the Lackawanna Terminal Railway retains: Dooey, Suem, and Howe. Interestingly, their respective trips to Paris, each one going several times each year, frequently aboard the Concorde, are mostly business, as they are board members of L.A.I.M.E.

4. L.A.I.M.E was incorporated in Costa Rica, has its headquarters in Paris, and has branches in Mexico, the Fiji Islands, and Tokyo. It owns no manufacturing facilities anywhere. It appears to be a holding company, that in reality, transfers titles of ownership of ships, cargo planes, large pieces of construction machinery, and railroad equipment between companies that own nothing, and whose ownership is almost impossible to trace on account of multi-layered stock transfers and interlocking directorates. Fero-Mex is one of these companies, although is does really have a manufacturing facility, such that it is.

    Here's how we, the members of the Special Interest Press believe the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has acquired at least one of its new cars:

1. R&IT car # 10873 was presented for interchange with the Lackawanna Terminal Railway at Buffalo, NY. The Bill of Lading states the car was loaded with "bars of highly refined precious metals". The car was allegedly refused on account of a mechanical defect, a "hi/lo" coupler, however, we, in fact, have information that suggests that the car was delivered to that obscure National Chemical & Refining warehouse, where it's precious metal cargo was removed, and replaced by barrels of lead shavings and other bits of scrap metal.

2. While the paperwork would indicate the car was left at the interchange on account of the reportable defect, in reality, the car was sent to Fero-Mex, where, its worthless cargo was removed, and the skilled craftsmen, touted by the president of the LTT&HS in earlier correspondence, rebuilt the car. The car emerged some time later from the shop/rusty tin building in gleaming Lackawanna Terminal Railway Maroon and Gray. These facts show that while the officials of the R&IT search for their car, it has been running on the rails literally right under their noses.

    If this is how one car wound up on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, its easy to see how the rolling stock of other railroads, especially Canadian, could end up on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

I eagerly await your reply.

Best wishes for a healthy, and prosperous New Year....
The Inquiring Reporter

Dear Mr. Inquiring Reporter:

Since you have supplied only vitriolic accusations and no proof of your claims, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway completely denies your denunciatory declarations as vacuous. The incidences which you view as diabolical are easily explained.

1. While there are many warehouses within the NC&R complex, the one to which you refer is, in fact, isolated from the rest and secured as you state. This is not, however, because precious metals are surreptitiously removed from freight cars as you accuse but rather because NC&R is continually involved in top secret projects in cooperation with the Federal Government. We cannot go further into the nature of these projects due to the adverse affect such discussions would have on the security of the nation. Suffice it to say that many great benefits are reaped by the people of this country through the exacting labor of the fine people at the National Chemical and Refining in Depew, NY.

2. The company you mention, Fero-Mex of Satillo, Mexico, is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries Ltd. and actually does some contract work for the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Fero-Mex was saved from bankruptcy by the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. Industrial Development Division which viewed the impecunious corporation as a good investment for the future. Although the Fero-Mex facility appears to be quite rundown and perhaps a prime candidate for demolition, the employees within are hard working, honest family oriented men and women worthy of our financial and humanitarian support.

To this end, a small number of freight cars were sent to be rebuilt at their facility in Satillo, Mexico as a means of keeping the poor company afloat and their employees with continuing income until such time as the company could be incorporated into the Lackawanna Terminal, Ltd's plans for expanding the broader Satillo, Mexico economy with all the attendant tax benefits and tariff reductions accrued under the NAFTA agreement which took affect on January 1, 1994. This broad plan for the economic development of this region by the philanthropic visionaries within the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd's corporate headquarters has both the concurrence and blessings of the governments of Mexico, Canada, and the United States.

You will be interested to note that the rundown condition of the Fero-Mex facility mentioned in your letter allowed the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd's Corporate Acquisition and Land Grab Division to acquire the entire Fero-Mex Company, it's facilities, employees, the employee's children, the entire customer data base, the corporate officer's Swiss bank account numbers, as well as control of Fero-Mex's secret hidden terrorist bases throughout the world in exchange for setting the previous owners up with a Taco Bell Express at the West Ridge Mall in Topeka, Kansas.

3. The car you saw and suggest was actually R&IT boxcar #10873 was, in reality, a car of similar color and type that was purchased by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway from a broker in Saltillo, Mexico and was originally owned by the NdeM as part of a fleet of cars leased from the Lackawanna Terminal Industries Ltd. freight car leasing subsidiary, Les Ateliers Internationaux de Machinerie D'Exportation or L.A.I.M.E. This is a normal and completely innocent lease/purchase arrangement that is standard practice in industry world wide and not part of some nefarious international conspiracy as you would have the public believe.

4. The fact that employees of the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe travel aboard the Concorde when enroute to Europe on business should come as no surprise to those savvy in the ways of international commerce as all the Concorde aircraft are owned by Les Ateliers Internationaux de Machinerie D'Exportation and subleased to Air France and British Air. These supersonic transports are maintained for the airlines under contract with Les Ateliers Internationaux de Machinerie D'Exportation's aircraft maintenance division, Fero-Air, with offices and facilities in Coast Rica, the Fiji Islands, Paris, Mexico City, and Tokyo. This is a standard and economically sound business practice that has become common within the airline industry since the airlines were deregulated in the late 1970s.

We, at the Lackawanna Terminal Division of Denial and Archive Destruction hope that this honest and perspicacious explanation of several rather innocent coincidences will set your and the public's mind at rest. That the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has always had the public's and industry's best interests as the basis for all its business decisions is without doubt and we thank you for the opportunity to clear the air of any specious claims you might have concerning our business practices.

Sincerely,
The Lackawanna Terminal Department of Denial and Archive Destruction

PS. None of the employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway would ever compare the thought processes of an inquiring reporter with those of a common squirrel for fear of arousing the ire of the ASPCA and other fine organizations intent on the preservation and amelioration of our natural indigenous wildlife.

27. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

The Depew Lancaster & Western RR Co. Inc. has no record of granting access rights to The Lackawanna Terminal Railway for the purposes of interchange with NS, CSX, and R&S at Buffalo. Please provide the LT's STB filing papers.

(Name withheld by request)
President
Depew Lancaster & Western RR Co. Inc.
 

Mr. (Name withheld by request)
President
Depew, Lancaster & Western RR Co, Inc.
8364 Lewiston Road
Batavia, New York 14020

Dear Mr. (Name withheld by request):

The Office of Legal Affairs of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is concerned that the management of the Depew, Lancaster and Western Railroad Company, Incorporated seems to have misplaced the documents concerning the ownership and aforementioned access rights on property rightfully owned by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. As a result of this concern, the Office of Legal Affairs of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has started an audit of all records concerning access to this property. The net result of that search confirms and justifies our claim that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is the rightful owner of all lines previously owned by the Delaware Lackawanna and Western Railroad that were merged into the Erie Lackawanna Railroad in 1960 and eventually destined to be transferred to the newly formed Consolidated Rail Corporation in 1976 and that, due to clauses uncovered during a records search of properties being transferred to The Consolidated Rail Corporation in 1976, led to the separation of the original Lackawanna Terminal Railway properties which had been leased to the Delaware, Lackawanna and Western Railroad by the Morris and Essex Railroad, the original founders and developers of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway properties.

The present Lackawanna Terminal Railway, the natural and legal successor to the original Lackawanna Terminal Railway, founded in 1875, was formed in 1976 and by 1977 had acquired, from the Consolidated Rail Corporation, all properties previously owned by the Erie Lackawanna Railroad Corporation, which had been a part of the original Delaware, Lackawanna and Western Railroad. The process of separation of properties, purchase of additional railroad assets, and approval of the formation of the completed Lackawanna Terminal Railway system by the Interstate Commerce Commission was concluded in such a rapid manner as to become a major topic of discussion among government officials and railroad managers throughout the United States and Canada. The ability of the Lackawanna Terminal Management Team to push the myriad of petitions through what is normally the glacial pace of government procedures has set a new standard for the processing of paperwork through agencies of the Federal government and has been the topic of three graduate courses at the Wharton School of Business, the Harvard School of Law, and a special six week advanced course taught to FBI agents at the Federal Bureau of Investigation's Advanced Investigative Methods School at Quantico, Virginia titled "Unsolved Crimes against the Federal Government", subtitled, "When Special Interest Becomes Terrorism". The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team is justifiably proud of the past  accomplishments of its members in the formation of this vital and progressive transportation company and will continue to support their good work in the future.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Office of Legal Affairs had intended to forward to you copies of all the Interstate Commerce Commission files relating to the matter erroneously referred to in your letter as "STB filings" and in reference to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's access to what you consider to be property owned by the Depew, Lancaster & Western Railroad. Unfortunately, after our research was completed, all files and other records relating to the Interstate Commerce Commission's findings vis a vis the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's petition and results were destroyed when vandals invaded the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction offices in Downtown Scranton starting a fire which raged through the file drawer containing the documents in question. When the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction petitioned the Federal Government's Office of Archive and Document Retrieval for copies of the appropriate filings and results it was discovered that the related documents on file in that office had also been destroyed in a totally unrelated, yet surprisingly similar, file drawer fire. As a consequence, we will be unable to forward these documents to you for your perusal.

During our research of the question posed in your correspondence of February 20, 1999, while we have found reference to the Depew, Lancaster & Western Railroad in the office copy of "The Pocket List of Railroad Officials", we were unable to find your railroad's property noted on any official maps incorporating railroads in the Buffalo area leading the Office of Legal Affairs to conclude that your railroad, the Depew, Lancaster & Western, may, in fact, be operating on the property of the Lackawanna Terminal Railroad without benefit of trackage rights or other contracts of access and may have, in fact, been doing so since the inception of your railroad and that for all these years your crews, with the concurrence of the Depew, Lancaster & Western management, have been trespassing on property rightfully owned and operated by another railroad without that railroad's permission or knowledge. Such an illegal and extremely dangerous practice must be discontinued immediately. Legal action to procure a cease and desist order is now being drawn up by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Legal Affairs with the assistance of the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe and will be delivered to your offices in Batavia, New York by special courier sometime in the first week of May.

Further research into the holdings of the Genesee Valley Transportation Corporation have found another railroad which is also operating without trackage rights or other contracts of access. This railroad, the Delaware-Lackawanna, has been operating freight and passenger trains over the rails of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway without permission or even the knowledge of the Lackawanna Terminal's Dispatch office. The danger inherent in such practices cannot be over stated and orders of cessation are being drawn up by our Office of Legal Affairs in conjunction with the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe and will be processed through the Federal court system in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and served to the railroad at its headquarters at 701 Wyoming Avenue, Scranton, Pennsylvania.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Office of Legal Affairs thanks you for your interest in the Lackawanna  Terminal Railway and we hope we have answered all you questions concerning the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's operations in the Buffalo Gateway area. If we can be of further assistance please do not hesitate to contact the Office of Legal Affairs, in writing and by special courier, between the hours of 9:00 am and 9:15 am, on any third Monday of any month.

Sincerely,
The Office of Legal Affairs
Lackawanna Terminal Railway
 

Mr. Steven Kay
Lackawanna Terminal Railway
1 Lackawanna Plaza
Scranton, Pennsylvania 18503

Dear Mr. Kay:

It has become painfully obvious that this dispute with the Depew, Lancaster and Western Railroad is now "out-of-hand" and that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is in need of a high technology consulting firm to:

#1. Determine the extent of Depew, Lancaster & Western Railroad's usage of  trackage rights over the last decade;

#2. After determining the extent of usage, chart and summarize the revenue  that would have been derived, had the Lackawanna Terminal Railway known of the intrusion of the Depew, Lancaster & Western's trains;

#3. Report that calculation of usage to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Main Office Billing Department for use in constructing invoices to the Depew, Lancaster & Western Railroad for use of routes and trackage rights during the period in question (estimates in our initial phase of review indicates dollar values in the 7 digits); and

#4.  After hearing of this dispute, this consulting firm took it upon itself over the last two days, to send a representative to Batavia, NY and Lowville, NY where rumor has it, that equipment belonging to the Depew, Lancaster and Western has been in residence.  We have documented the equipment found and have taken pictures of this equipment and will turn these over to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's crack Management Team (when our bill is paid) to enhance the efforts to confiscate them at a later date.

We appreciate the business (even, unsolicited business) from the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and hope the relationship will prosper over into the coming millennium.  Our bill is in the mail.

Very truly yours,

Jay Jordan
Chairperson
S&M Consulting (formerly Smoke and Mirrors Consulting), LLC.
(railroad consultants of choice)

PS: As a side note, we have found in our files, from previous work done for the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, copies of the missing (burned) documents that our consultants made during our last visit to your Main Office.  These copies will mysteriously disappear on receipt of your check for our latest efforts.  Thank you again for your continued business.

Dear Mr. Jordan:

Enclosed please find a check to cover the cost of services of your fine consulting agency. As in the past, the management and employees of S&M Consulting, LLC. have outdone themselves in the interest of their clients.

Thank you ever so much,

Steve Kay
President
Lackawanna Terminal Railway

PS: Your personal bonus check has been mailed and will arrive under separate cover.

28. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

We are all aware of the problems that exist under current hour of service (HOS) regulations regarding fatigue and crew rest periods. For example, a crewman's rest period begins when he/she goes off duty and extends at least 8 hours to 10 hours depending on how long he/she has been on duty. At the end of this 8 or 10 hour "rest" the crew member must be ready to assume duty once again if so called. For a crewman who lives 1 and 1/2 hours from work, this leaves only 5 to 7 hours (minus the three accumulated driving hours) to rest. In reality, this "rest" period is usually expended on household obligations (taking the kids to the doctor, attending school activities, eating, servicing his/her car/spouse, etc.). The crewman returns to work and, whether or not he/she is actually without fatigue, must sign in on a legal document certifying that he/she is "rested" and able to complete whatever assignment he/she is called for. In this case, (and in many more than I would care to mention) the crewman may begin duty already at his/her physical or mental limit and at the edge of fatigue. For an industry whose unwritten law used to be "Safety First", this is not acceptable.
    

I have inquired about what is being done to address the very real problem of these totally inadequate rest periods and the dangers of fatigue. I cannot reveal my source, but I have heard that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is implementing a new series of rules and procedures which will rectify this problem.

What can you tell me about these upcoming improvements?

Thanks,
John Montenigro
Concerned Citizen

P.S. Please do not tell me about "naps". I understand that naps are allowed under certain conditions by certain railroads. I also understand that these conditions ignore whether the crewman is actually ready for the nap. Naps are a good concept, but are only implemented properly in day-care. The railroads have a lot of catching up to do in this area, so let's not even go there.

Dear Concerned Citizen:

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity is always looking at ways to make the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's train service employees more productive and to put cease to their constant whimpering and whining about, what they claim to be, a lack of adequate rest between assignments. A concern about proper crew rest arose after several major train wrecks across the nation which were prematurely blamed on "crew fatigue". The Federal Government has since been forced by citizen unrest to take a pro-active stance with regard to the question of operating employee's unrealistic concerns about "sufficient" rest. Enormous governmental and labor pressure has been placed on the nation's financially strapped railroad industry to find costly solutions to this "problem". To relieve your concern in this matter you should know that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity has conducted an intensive "in house" quest for the solution to what is considered by some industry experts to be an imagined concern. Other railroads were consulted to determine what techniques they were trying and what success they were having with solving this most difficult but necessary problem.

The results of this search for the best manner in which to deal with "crew fatigue" follows:

Solution #1: Napping

One of the remedies a major railroad has come up with for dealing with crew fatigue is "Napping" in which a member of the train crew, with the Dispatcher's permission, is allowed to take a "nap" on the train. This can only be done while the train is not moving and only one crew member can take a "nap" at a time and only for a forty five minute period. There are several obvious problems with this "Romper Room Solution" as any one who has tried to put down a four year old for a nap will readily attest. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity has rejected this "solution" as being unrealistic.

It was also found that supplying the train crews with little bunny and ducky bedecked pillows and napping blankets was not only prohibitively expensive, the image of a grown man/woman lying on the locomotive cab floor sucking on his/her thumb while clutching his/her "security blanket" is not one which the Lackawanna Terminal Railway wishes to project to our customers.

Solution #2: The Dark Room

This response to the same problem, also proffered by a class one railroad, offered to set aside a

"quiet" area where crews could go to sleep while waiting for their next assignment. The pay back from the government and the employees was that the railroad wanted the crews to be able to work fourteen hours instead of twelve hours before the expiration of the crew's hours of service. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity rejected this solution out of hand although they did recognize that certain answers to the problem of fatigue could be turned to the advantage of the company if the employees could be duped into thinking they were getting something for nothing.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity then looked into the possibility of "sensory deprivation tanks", where the employee floats naked in an enclosed egg shaped tank filled to a depth of about 15" with heavily salted water. These tanks would be placed at all layover points where the time spent in the tank would float away all stress while the employee listened to soft, soothing New Age music spiked with subliminal messages from the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity urging all to work harder for the benefit of the company. This idea was quickly abandoned when the Department of Employee Productivity was told that these tanks were the exclusive providence of deepdarkdesires.com and were used to ease the stress of upper management and those government and industry officials who would visit the Lackawanna Terminal Railway on business trips.

While no new or practical solutions to the problem of employee fatigue were discovered while talking to other railroads, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity has promised to continue exploring the possibilities which may be found to dwell in this area of employee exploitation.

Solution #3: Onboard Sleep Deterrents

In a tremendous, but wholly uncharacteristic, burst of creative experimentation, the Lackawanna Terminal Department of Employee Productivity, in cooperation with the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Mechanical Department and the union representing the train crews, initiated a series of experiments involving a device containing a small mercury switch that is attached to a helmet worn by the employee. This device, which is sensitive to vertical head movement, is coupled to an electro-mechanical apparatus which, when placed on the head of the employee, senses the moment when the employee's head dips below a predetermined angle from the horizontal (such as when the employee starts to fall asleep while on the job). The device then energizes a relay which closes a contactor connected directly to an auxiliary generator coupled to the prime mover. This closed contactor completes a circuit which sends an electric current directly to electrodes imbedded in the seat upon which the employee sits. This electric current is just great enough to shock the employee into total wakefulness without damaging any vital body parts.

Well, that was the theory anyway. . . After three failed attempts to get the voltage and amperage down to the level where the employee stayed awake and yet was not fused to the seat, the experimental use of an auxiliary generator voltage was abandoned.

The next step in the experiment to use resources available on the locomotive was to tap the main reservoir pressure contained in the locomotive's air system. A huge air tank, called the main reservoir tank, is located under the frame of the engine and contains an enormous volume of air at 130-140 PSI. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Mechanical Department, at the urging of the Lackawanna Terminal Department of Employee Productivity, piped the output of this main reservoir air tank through a set of nozzles attached to the seat frames in the engine cab and a magnet valve to control the air flow was attached to the device that measures horizontal deviation as in the experiment using the locomotive's electrical system. Unfortunately, the mechanical department not only failed to remember that the seats were not permanently fixed to the seat frames but also failed to provide a reduction fitting to the pipe from the main reservoir.

When the device which detects the deviation from the horizontal activated the magnet valve, a tremendous blast of air at 140 Pounds per Square Inch launched the poor crewman head first through the ceiling of the locomotive cab. The force of the ejection was so severe that the employee completely, and quite unexpectedly, exited the locomotive. Since the subject employee was wearing a hard hat and safety glasses as required by the company Safety Department, no harm would normally have befallen him. Unfortunately, the experiment was being conducted inside the engine house and the employee, after leaving the confines of the cab, came into fatal contact with an overhead bridge crane.

A second test was immediately scheduled and a reduction fitting was installed in the air line to reduce the force of the air arriving at the nozzles. Unfortunately for the second test subject, he was also vertically ejected from the locomotive cab due to the fact that the reduction fitting was, in reality a smaller nozzle which actually increased the pressure of the air reaching the seat on which the employee was sitting. Fortunately, his line of flight formed a parabolic curve which caused him to miss the overhead bridge crane. Unfortunately, the rapid exit form the locomotive caused said test subject to immediately loose consciousness, suffer six months in traction at a local hospital after striking a horizontal lathe at a speed of over seventy miles per hour , sliding across a fourteen foot long tool laden work bench (setting it on fire due to the friction from his clothing), and spend the rest of his life with a head and neck cocked at a permanent 45 degree angle to his shoulders and scars over twenty percent of his body when all the fire extinguishers in the shop proved to be empty.

After initial experiments failed to find a solution to the problem of crew fatigue that did not roast or otherwise permanently cripple the employee, a member of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity, after reading an article in Peep Hole Magazine about movie stars who hire Hindu religious zealots to help them cope with stress in the pressure cooker atmosphere of Hollywood stardom, suggested the company turn to the mystical in search of the answer to the question of employee somnolence.

Solution #4: Transcendental Meditation

In cooperation with the Lackawanna County College of Culinary Arts and Transcendental Meditation, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity contracted with Professor Maharishi Bengla Desh, professor emeritus, to develop a training program to instruct train service employees in the techniques of Transcendental Meditation (TM). It was thought, by the phenoms in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity, that if the employee could reach a state of deep relaxation during the offered "on train" rest period, thus moving the employee's mind from a state of conscious awareness and wakefulness, past the Alpha State, and further on into the Zeta State, or Zoic Plane of Consciousness, then the employee would be well rested once he/she removed him/herself from the meditative state and thus be ready to finish the assignment alert and well rested.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity is, at this time, unsure of the actual usefulness of the TM technique for achieving total restfulness, but early reports indicate that only 20 minutes in the Zoic State provide as much rest as 8 hours of normal sleep, but without the extra activity of REM sleep. Carried to its obvious conclusion, this would allow an employee to be at work continually, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year and be totally rested at all times with just a twenty minute rest period three times a day.

At first, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity was beside themselves with giddiness.

Unfortunately, problems began to appear which cast dispersions on the efficacy of the Transcendental Meditation path to Corporate glee. TM worked well until the employee reached what is called "the Alpha State". Without going into laborious detail, "the Alpha State" is what your four year old enters when he/she is watching Barney the Purple Dinosaur and does not respond to repeated attempts to get his/her attention. On the engine, it was nearly impossible for the employees who were not permitted to meditate to get the employees who were meditating to come out of their trance like state of deep relaxation. The non meditating employees would then have to finish the assignment by themselves leading to growing animosity between crew members, increased stress levels, and plummeting morale.

Further testing of TM techniques also found that as the employees became more adept at TM they were moving past the Alpha State and entering the "Zoic Plane of Consciousness". Simply stated, if the Alpha State compares to "being in a dream", the Zoic State is more similar to being in someone else's dream. The Zoically adept employees have since learned to enter the thoughts as well as the dreams of other employees over great distances allowing to the meditating employees to enter the thoughts and daydreams of several of the better looking secretaries in the offices of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and those secretaries were unexplainably subject to profuse sweating, blushing, suggestive hip movements accompanied by a certain huskiness of voice and, finally, a sudden urge to have a cigarette.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity has suspended all testing of the Transcendental Meditation solution for employee fatigue pending settlement of several sexual harassment lawsuits filed against the company by members of the secretarial pool.

Solution #5: Chemically Enhanced Behavior Modification

During the research involved in the attempt to cope with the problem of crew fatigue, the employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity uncovered a newspaper article speculating on the possibility that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway was modifying the drinking water placed on the company's locomotives to be used by train crews while in service to the company. While no tampering with the bottled water was ever proven, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity contacted their good friends at the National Chemical and Refining Company's huge facility at Depew, New York to see if the bottled water which was distributed to the train crews could, in fact, be modified as to provide the sleep deterring qualities required to solve the fatigue problem once and for all.

The fine chemists at the National Chemical and Refining Company immediately began to work on the problem, in the process creating several teams of chemists whose job it was to work on the problem from several different approaches in a complex and extremely expensive procedure to come up with an answer to the dilemma place before them by a much frustrated and extremely depressed railroad management team.

After billing the Lackawanna Terminal Railway the equivalent of the National Chemical and Refining's total operating budget through the year 2005, one of the team of chemists discovered than an additive used in eye drops for infants, Hydro-chloro-flouro-neurotic Acid, contained certain hydrocarbons which, when isolated from the base solution, could form the basis for a chemical  formula which would cause the behavior modification required by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity. In fact, anyone with a basic knowledge of organic chemistry, some charcoal, a little alcohol, household ammonia, water, an infinitesimal portion this byproduct, and some cherry extract could make, in his/her bathroom at home, a fairly cheap batch of a chemical that, once in the bloodstream, would cause a person to stay alert and productive for twelve to sixteen hours in a row simply by drinking six ounces of the solution. The fact that this formula was often used at National Chemical and Refining Christmas parties was never mentioned. Also not mentioned was the fact that this same formula had been modified with an extremely potent aphrodisiac which was well known among the chemists at the National Chemical and Refining Company to have turned many normally sedate office parties into festivals of debauchery.

The resulting report, filed with the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity, reveals the perfect solution to the problem of on train employee fatigue. It was finally so very simple; a slug of this cherry elixir before work and the entire crew was good for the whole assignment. By slightly modifying and toning down the aphrodisiac the employee would not only stay awake and alert with no problem but would feel terrific to the end. Huge batches of the product, called Doctor Feelgood's Elixir of Alertness, were manufactured by the good folks at National Chemical and Refining and distributed to all sign up locations throughout the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's extensive rail system.

All was well, the problem finally solved, until the operating employees went for their annual physicals as required by federal law. One by one each employee's urine sample come up positive for steroids as well as four different varieties of federally control substances. At one point it looked like every operating employee would have to be taken out of service.

The collapse of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's extensive empire was saved, however, when it was discovered that the chemicals which displayed a false indication of chemical dependence in all of the on train personnel (and not a few of the office people) would dissipate within twenty four hours if the employee simply refrained from ingesting the "Elixir of Alertness". All remaining stocks of the product were destroyed immediately and the experiment was deemed a failure. All members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity have been summarily fired and immediately replaced by relatives of members of the Board of Directors of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd.

The problem of on train employee fatigue is still at issue but has been partially resolved by contracts with the unions which allow employees in safety sensitive positions sufficient time off between assignments to include travel time to and from their sign up points and get sufficient rest without suffering pay reductions or harassment by supervisors. In addition, employees were allowed to mark off "Personal Business" without complaint or retribution from the company.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the matter closed at this time.

29. Dear Mr. Lackawanna Terminal Railway President:

While doing research involving the untimely and illegal disposal of highly toxic nuclear waste for the Federal Prosecutor's Office - Northern District of New York, in Syracuse, I happened upon the following reports of the improper disposal of nuclear waste by governments involved in space exploration:

1. 1964: U.S. military navigation satellite carrying two pounds of plutonium plunges to Earth. The radioisotope thermoelectric generator, or RTG, burns up in atmosphere as designed, releasing radioactive material. Accident prompts RTG redesign.

2. 1968: U.S. weather satellite carrying six pounds of plutonium crashes into the Pacific Ocean off California coast shortly after liftoff. Both RTGs remain intact and are retrieved, reinforced and reflown.

3. 1970: Apollo 13 lunar lander carrying eight pounds of plutonium is discarded prior to crew's return from aborted moon mission, and the RTG sinks in the South Pacific near Fiji. Still there and believed to be intact.

4. 1978: Soviet spy satellite launched four months earlier with nuclear reactor containing 100 pounds of uranium plunges through atmosphere over Canada's Northwest Territories. Most burns up in atmosphere, but some survives. Radioactive debris found on ground as small as grain of salt. Cleanup lasts weeks.

5. 1996: Russian Mars probe plunges through atmosphere soon after launch, and its half pound of plutonium supposedly lands in Pacific Ocean, Chile or Bolivia. Plutonium unit not yet found.

While delving further into this topic I was shocked to learn from sources inside the space agencies of these two countries that the National Chemical and Refining Company of Depew, New York, with the  cooperation of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Inc., was instrumental in the processing and transportation of large quantities of nuclear (specifically plutonium) waste which eventually made its way into the all the satellites mentioned as well as the Apollo 13 lunar lander and that the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Inc., through its subsidiary SpaceLift, Inc., was responsible for the design, construction, and launching of the above mentioned American satellites, the Soviet spy satellite, and the Soviet Mars probe whose subsequent losses, mentioned above, can be traced directly to the draconian cutting of costs resulting in poor design, shoddy workmanship, and nonexistent supervision involved in these space programs.
   
The subsequent undesirable and totally illegal distribution of large amounts of uranium and plutonium into the earth's atmosphere and land environment is now the focus of the indignation and rage of environmental groups and agencies throughout the world. We have further discovered that the money derived from these unnecessary cost cutting procedures carried out by the Lackawanna Terminal Industry's subsidiary, SpaceLift, Inc., was used to finance an enormous Christmas party on the island of Viti Levu, the site of Suva, the capital of Fiji resulting in the actual loss of four of the smaller islands once included in the chain of islands which were part of the country of Fiji: a party from which this South Pacific region has yet to recover.
   
What have you to say about your complicity in this most serious crime against the environment
and all humanity?

Sincerely,
John Montenigro
Office of the Federal Prosecutor
Northern District of New York
Syracuse, New York

Dear Mr. Montenigro;

The Lackawanna Terminal Industry's subsidiary, The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Nuclear Fuel Transportation and Disposal reports that they have no knowledge of the loss of either nuclear fuel or the residue of nuclear fuel while such fuel or residue of such fuel was being transported by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway or any of its subsidiary companies or assigns. While the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Nuclear Fuel Transportation and Disposal freely admits that the railroad does transport nuclear fuel and the residue of nuclear fuel in cooperation with agencies of the United States and several foreign sovereignties, the railroad's policies and procedures for the transportation and disposal of the above mentioned nuclear fuels and residuals of nuclear fuels complies with all current safety requirements for the transportation and disposal of nuclear fuels and the residuals of nuclear fuels. Evidence to the contrary is moot since all markings of the Lackawanna Terminal Industry's subsidiary, SpaceLift, Inc. are routinely removed before the launch of any SpaceLift, Inc. space vehicle.

It might also be of interest to note that the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Inc. has recently sold its subsidiary company, SpaceLift, Inc., to the Instituto Nacional de Pesquisas Espaciais which is headquartered in Polatas, Brazil with launch facilities on the Nicobar Islands near the Bay of Bengal. Further inquiries concerning the loss of nuclear fuels or the residue of nuclear fuels should be forwarded to the Instituto Nacional de Pesquisas Espaciais head office in Polatas, Brazil.

The "Christmas party" mentioned in your letter was nothing more than the celebration of the anniversary of the 1774 visit to the islands by Captain James Cook. The celebration was  financed by the good people of The Lackawanna Terminal Industry's Department of Community Affairs, in  cooperation with the government of the Fiji Islands with money derived from its various transportation subsidiaries, including SpaceLift, Inc. The Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Inc. has its headquarters on the Main Island of Viti Levu. The supposed loss of part of the island chain was the result of nothing more heinous than an unusually high tide. The four lost islands are expected to return soon although experts in the field are reluctant to voice specifics.

We are certain we have answered all your concerns and have put this matter to rest once and for all. We thank you for your interest in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

Sincerely,
The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Archive Destruction

30. Not so fast, Mr. Lackawanna Terminal Railway President:

There still remains the question of the illegal re-use of the retrieved nuclear waste in local hospitals for radiation therapy and other such non regulated activities. It was even rumored that some of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management were obtaining the material under the guise of medicinal purposes, and actually using it to power their outdoor Christmas lighting. Could there be any truth to this?
   
And finally, there was the question of just exactly what equipment the Lackawanna Terminal Railway used in the recovery of some of those materials from the ocean floor... Is it true that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has actually been building secret deep sea recovery vehicles under "black ops" contracts with the NSA and the CIA, while telling its shareholders and the public that these were new engine designs?
   
Remember, documents previously held secret during the Cold War were recently de-classified "accidentally" when the Associated Press made Freedom of Information requests and an NSA clerk provided the files detailing the US's submarine spy program. It was rumored that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway might have been involved in retrieving the Thresher's reactor from the Atlantic Ocean, but the Associated Press hasn't revealed that story. . .yet.

What do you say to that, Mr. Lackawanna Terminal President?

Sincerely,
John Montenigro
Office of the Federal Prosecutor
Northern District of New York
Syracuse, New York

Dear Mr. Montenigro:

It is not likely that the first of these specious allegations will be proven to be true since the remains of the patients involved cannot be approached for confirmation for at least 200,000 years.

As to the use of nuclear fuel to supply the electrical power for the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Annual Christmas Display and Extravaganza, such action was necessitated by the inability of the Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad or the Union Pacific Railroad to deliver sufficient amounts of Powder River Basin coal to meet the electrical needs of this well known annual Christmas spectacular. So as not to disappoint the needy and deserving youth of Scranton alternate sources of electrical generation were sought. The slightly used RTGs discarded by the space agencies of the United States and the Soviet Union proved more than adequate for the purpose and were gratefully accepted by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Annual Christmas Extravaganza Celebration Committee. So as not to seem ungrateful for the space agencies' largess, the RTGs are now being used in place of the normal  locomotive "prime movers" in several Lackawanna Terminal Railway locomotives. These locomotives are test beds for advance concepts in motive power design being developed by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Brute Force Evolution.

To answer your third allegation, while it is true that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Underwater Research and Development has, in the past, worked in cooperation with several agencies of the United States Government there is no proof that any department of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has in any way cooperated with the NSA or CIA. The fact that the research vessel, Glomar Explorer, is docked on the banks of the Roaring Brook at the Nay Aug Park just east of Scranton, PA. is of no significance whatsoever.

There is no truth to the rumor that the missing SSBN Thresher's nuclear reactor has replaced the old coal fired boiler in the basement of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Headquarters in Scranton, Pa. and to answer your last statement, The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Archive Destruction can kick AP butt!

We hope this finally answers all your questions and assuages all your concerns relative to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway operations and procedures. We thank you for your interest.

Sincerely,
The Lackawanna Terminal Department of Archive Destruction
 

31. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

It has come to our attention that a Federal Railway Administration (FRA) inspector, after viewing photographs of your locomotive roster, found a painfully glaring safety violation.  In every picture, without exception, he noted that the yellow stripe that is required on each step of locomotives under 49 CFR 232.211 was missing. FRA Regulation 49 CFR 232.211 requires all locomotives to have these areas high-lighted so that crew members can see where they are stepping.  I would have thought  that you, as a member of the prestigious Lackawanna Terminal Management Team, would have known better. This highly trained member of the Federal Government, with many years experience in locomotive maintenance and inspection procedures, further claims that due to this most dangerous safety violation, he is no longer considering joining the internationally acclaimed Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society.
    What have you to say about this most flagrant violation of a Federal regulation designed specifically to prevent serious injury, bodily dismemberment, extreme psychological trauma, and perhaps death to your employees.

Sincerely,
The Inquiring reporter

Dear Inquiring reporter:

Actually, the answer is quite simple. The yellow striping in question was applied to all locomotives according to 49 CFR 232.211 and each locomotive left the paint shop in total compliance with each and every one of the Federal Government's most appropriate and well considered regulations. Unfortunately, however, during normal operations the stripes were inadvertently scuffed to the point of obscurity when contacted by our highly skilled and motivated train crew's highly polished safety foot apparel. Efforts by our shop forces to maintain the bright yellow striping has been for naught as the equipment is under constant and heavy use.

Because of this, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team is considering issuing cans of yellow paint and paint brushes to each crew member with the requirement that the crew member responsible for scuffing out the highly visible yellow striping will also be responsible for repainting the step in violation. Crew members will be required to sign for these cans of paint and the appropriate paint brushes when signing the crew register at the start of their day. Paint cans and brushes will have individual serial numbers so that employees can be properly disciplined if they should fail to turn in the can and paint brush (properly cleaned) at the end of their assignments.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team hopes this answers any questions you may have concerning the railroad's most strident efforts to comply with every safety regulation issued by the Federal Government under the guise of providing a safe workplace for employees in the railroad industry. We also hope that this most ingratiating reply to your query will convince this FRA inspector to join our friends in the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society. The Society is in constant need of someone who has contacts within the FRA so that they might better circumvent the government's most tiresome edicts in the future.

If you are in need of further information concerning the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and its most cordial and professional relations with all departments of the Federal Government you may contact our offices any third Thursday of the month between 9:00 and 9:15 am.

Sincerely,
The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team

INTEROFFICE MEMO
From the desk of
Mr. Jay Jordan
Senior Vice President in Charge of Buildings and Right of Way Corrections
Lackawanna Terminal Management Team
Security Level: Confidential, Eyes Only

TO: Mr S. Kay
President and CEO
Lackawanna Terminal Railway

Dear Mr. Kay:

    How is it possible for this agent of the Federal Railroad Administration to take issue with the yellow paint on the steps of Lackawanna Terminal Railway's locomotive fleet and criticize Lackawanna Terminal Railway's award winning Management Team for their lack of following FRA regulations?
    As we all know, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is known for its exemplary safety record throughout the railroad industry as well as the offices of Federal and State safety regulators everywhere.  For this FRA inspector to further criticize the management team for errors and omissions of our labor force, is akin to holding President Clinton responsible for what people in the Justice Department do, such as kidnapping young children at gunpoint and shooting people in the head at Ruby Ridge.
    We are happy that this unknown inspector is reluctant to join the Lackawanna Terminal Technical & Historical Society because having a whistle blower in our midst would not be conducive to our way of conducting business.  Even though we wish no ill will to this inspector or the rest of his ilk, we have circulated his picture to our security people under the leadership of Marcus D. Sade to make sure he never appears on or near our property again.  It would be unfortunate to have him, say, slip and fall into the effluents at National Chemical and Refining.

Best to you and your family,
Jay Jordan

INTEROFFICE MEMO
From the Desk Of Mr. S. Kay
President and CEO
Lackawanna Terminal Railway
Security Level: Confidential, Not for release to the public

Dear Mr. Jordan:

While this unnamed Federal Railway Administration inspector has, in fact and in accordance with his Federal mandate, noted that the yellow stripping has been scuffed out of existence on some of our locomotives, it is also convenient that he has not observed that most of our locomotives lack operating control stands, have handrails made from slippery plastic materials, and do not have operating doors, windows, horns, an air brake system, and are of such fragile construction that cat hairs have been known to impede their ability to get a train over the road. While not within this unnamed inspector's exclusive purview, he must certainly have noticed that the entire infrastructure of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is made up of pine and plastic, paper and plaster instead of earth, stone, grade five ties and steel. To reward such flagrant disregard for his mandate as a Federal inspector it is our duty and great pleasure to award this unnamed inspector membership in the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society where we will

be able to keep an eye on him.

Again I must stress, as I have in the past, while it is incumbent upon upper management to take responsibility for the mistakes of the employees under their direction it is also incumbent for upper management to punish severely those that cause embarrassment to those in upper management. While the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team has not yet delved into the possibilities related to kidnapping young children and shooting people in the head, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team has directed the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Human Resources Department to check into the possibility of emulating the Federal Government's well recognized methods of population control and, perhaps, improving upon them in its never ending effort to better employee morale and productivity.

As a representative of the United States Government, this unnamed FRA inspector should, and will, be accorded the same respect and consideration given to all Federal employees who's responsibilities can effect the profitability of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and its customers. He will first be escorted to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Conference Center by Mr. Marcus D. Sade and a platoon of heavily armed security personnel where he will be photographed with the members and cast of deepdarkdesires.com and Fantasies_are_us.com as they film various erotogenic scenes to be included in upcoming episodes to be viewed on Marconi Wireless' exclusive cable network. These exclusive cable shows are routinely broadcast to the highest offices of the FRA, AAR, BLE and UTU for review as to their entertainment value before being release to general subscription. This unnamed Federal inspector's image will be recorded for future exposure should he fail to find that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and its customers are in total and complete compliance with all federal rules, laws, and regulations relating to their business endeavors. We have little doubt that this gentleman, as a representative of a United States Government regulatory agency, will find no fault with any of the policies or practices of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and its customers. That is not to say that slipping and falling into effluent at the National Chemical and Refining Company's Depew, NY facility is not a possibility should this unnamed inspector's attitude suddenly turn south at some future date.

Sincerely,
S. Kay
President and CEO
Lackawanna terminal Railway

PS: I understand that you are to be congratulated on your mother's release from prison. Please give her my best regards and inform her that her job as bodyguard to Mr. Marcus D. Sade is still open as a reward for her silence at the trial.

SK

32. Dear Mr. Railroad President,

Based on extensive research by our team of uncontrollably sagacious reporters it has come to light that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway missed an invitation extended by the Department of Defense to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, offering the status of "Civilian Defense Emergency Transportation and Cargo Movement System". Under the Federal Transportation Commission's 1999 expansion initiative (H.R. 2317, sec 15.4, subpara 2b.). The offer was extended last  year to any railroad operation that maintained over 50 miles of right-of-way, and owned, leased, or otherwise operated over 120 Pullman Standard covered hoppers. We are now sure that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway  was on the list but due to your failure to respond to this most gracious invitation by the Department of Defense those moneys that would have otherwise gone to insure the vital and righteous defense of our proud nation have been squandered on outrageous subsidies for foreign investment under the Nafta Treaty.

What have you, Mr. Railroad President, to say about this most unresponsive, egregious, and grossly anti-American behavior on the part your railroad management team.

John Montenigro
Inquiring Reporter
Special Interest Press, LLC

Dear Mr. Montenigro,

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway did, in fact, receive that special invitation from the Department of Defense under the Federal Transportation Commission's 1999 expansion initiative (H.R. 2317, sec 15.4, subpara 2b.) but declined the offer due to the fact that the more than 120 (actually 179) Pullman Standard hoppers mentioned are being subleased through our subsidiary corporation Fero-Mex of Satillo, Mexico, under contract with the Lackawanna Terminal Industries Ltd. freight car leasing subsidiary, Les Ateliers Internationaux de Machinerie D'Exportation or L.A.I.M.E., to chicken ranchers throughout Central and South America as portable poultry residential units with integrated poultry feed storage containers and automated poultry feeder assemblies.
This contract will be in effect for five years. When the lease is fulfilled the more than 120 (actually 179) Pullman Standard hoppers will be refurbished with new paint and carpeting by the good people at Fero-Mex and contracted to the Satillo, Mexico Housing Development Authority as low cost residential abodes subleased to employees of the rapidly expanding Fero-Mex corporation, a rebuilder of freight car equipment for the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. The refurbishment of the low cost residential adobes will be paid for by a grant from the United States Government's National Partnership to Squander Taxpayer's Money Program.

While the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is ever willing to cooperate with the United States Government in national security matters the fact that the 120 (actually 179) covered hoppers required under the Federal Transportation Commission's 1999 expansion initiative (H.R. 2317, sec 15.4, subpara 2b.) would be unavailable for immediate government pilferage persuaded the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team not to participate in the Federal Transportation Commission's 1999 expansion initiative. More to the point, the Federal Government could not come up with the appropriations needed to retain our lawyers much less commit our entire railway system to another Federally sponsored boondoggle. Additionally, the subsidies offered by the Federal Government under the Federal Transportation Commission's 1999 expansion initiative (H.R. 2317, sec 15.4, subpara 2b) were actually substantially less then the subsidies for foreign investment, offered under the NAFTA agreement which took affect on January 1, 1994, ergo the contract with the poultry farmers and, ultimately, the Satillo, Mexico Housing Authority.

We hope this addresses all you concerns related to the status of "Civilian Defense Emergency Transportation and Cargo Movement System" as regards the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and we thank you for your interest, special though it might be.

Sincerely,
The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team

33. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

We have in our possession the following most interesting and informative newspaper article showing the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's total disregard for its employees and other small furry creatures. What have you to say in answer to this most enlightening critique of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's most cynical attitude?

Yours truly,
A. Holleuffer
Inquiring reporter
The Special Interest Press

Tabor, NJ, Thursday, July 7, 2000. LATE-BREAKING NEWS !!!!

Operating unions staged a wildcat strike this morning halting all service on the infamous Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Union members claim their daily ration of Cheesy Poofs has been cut in half with no warning from the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management. There are also claims that cans of old C&C Cola the company had been hoarding for nearly 20 years have been substituted for the usual Shoprite Rotgut Cola specified in the current contract between the railroad and its labor unions. One union official has alleged that styrofoam packing peanuts spray painted to resemble Cheesy Poofs have also been substituted on at least two occasions. This last allegation could not be substantiated as it is difficult to distinguish the taste of styrofoam from authentic Cheesy Poofs.

There was also a report that the President of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway attempted to run over Smokey the office cat with a locomotive after the cat allegedly tore open a cushion in the company's executive office revealing hundreds of crisp new $100 bills used as stuffing.

Attempts to contact the Benevolent Dictator of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway to answer these charges have been unsuccessful so far. A spokesperson for the Lackawanna Terminal railway, believed to be the cleaning lady, said she thinks he is on vacation in Switzerland or possibly some small island in the Pacific.

Further details will be reported as they become available.

Dear Mr. Inquiring reporter:

Before you attempt to defame the unimpeachable character of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and its fine management team with implications of such iniquitous behavior as regards our relationship with our fine, hardworking employees and other furry creatures please read the follow up article from the same newspaper which sheds a very different light on the very situation you bring up:

Tabor, NJ, Thursday, July 8, 2000. LATER-BREAKING NEWS !!!!

A wildcat strike by members of the Brotherhood of Locomotive Employees (BLE) was halted without affecting rail service after a boxcar load of Cheezy Poofs and Shoprite Brand "Rotgut" soda was found in the basement of a home owned by the ex-wife of BLE General Chairman Clarence Bobinski.

The Shipment, according to Lackawanna Terminal Railway management, which included 895 cases of Cheezy Poofs and 2000 cases of Shoprite Brand "Rotgut" soda, had been loaded at Shoprite's warehouse on Dowd Avenue in Elizabeth, New Jersey and was destined for operating employee sign-up rooms across the vast Lackawanna Terminal Railway Transportation Network. The shipment was listed as missing when the boxcar failed to show up at the High Heels Catering Club's Central Distribution Warehouse in Scranton. PA. The High Heels Catering Club is a subsidiary of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. The missing cargo was discovered by members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway SWAT Team during a raid led by Lt. Marcus Sade of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Force on the residence of Carmine Bobinski. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Force was notified of the missing cases of Cheezy Poofs after complaints by the operating employees led to a work stoppage organized by the General Committee of the BLE under the leadership of General Chairman Bobinski.

The missing shipment of Cheezy Poofs and "Rotgut" Cola was the direct cause of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team's decision to temporarily reduce the contractually agreed to allotment of the tasty snack food and substitute a lesser quality beverage. "We knew the shipment of Cheezy Poofs and soda hadn't been received", said Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Vice President for Employee Relations, Moshe Testaverde, "We just didn't know what else to do on such short notice. We are well aware of our contractual obligations to our fine, hardworking employees but we were, quite frankly, at a lose to explain the disappearance of the Cheesy Poofs and soda. The persistent rumor that that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway attempted to substitute orange painted styrofoam "popcorn" in the place of the Cheezy Poofs is simply a malicious prevarication promulgated by the leadership of the BLE to garner sympathy from an unsuspecting public." BLE General Chairman Clarence Bobinski refused comment when, during his arrest, he was asked about the charges. His ex-wife, Carmine Bobinski, who is also know by the stage name "Bubbles Bobinski" is also under indictment for the theft of the Cheezy Poofs and "Rotgut" cola.

When contacted by this reporter the ex-Mrs. Bobinski's lawyer simply stated that the ex-Mrs. Bobinski went to bed late Friday night after returning home from performing her famous one woman act at the club "Nipples". "At that time", he said, "the ex-Mrs. Bobinski testified that the basement was empty of any illegally acquired merchandise. Sometime during the early  hours of the morning the ex-Mrs. Bobinski says she was awaken by a loud commotion in the basement that sounded a lot like men belching. When she went to investigate, she found the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's SWAT Team lounging around the furnace, with open Cheezy Poof bags and empty cans of Shoprite "Rotgut" flavored soda scattered everywhere. The ex-Mrs. Bobinski claims that the SWAT Team appeared to be bringing cartons of the tasty snack food and cases of soda into the basement from a truck parked behind the house." When questioned about the ex-Mrs. Bobinski's allegations, Lt. Marcus Sade, leader of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's SWAT Team, unequivocally denied them. During a press conference held at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Headquarters in Scranton, PA. the SWAT Team displayed an M16A1 assault rifle with an attached M203 40 mm grenade launcher and bandolier containing eight incendiary grenades which Mrs. Bobinski was alleged to have had in her possession at the time of her arrest.

A representative of the BLE told this reporter that they were truly sorry for any inconvenience caused by their attempted wildcat strike and were embarrassed that one of their leaders would be involved in the theft of interstate cargo. The representative also stated that workers represented by the BLE would voluntarily work for reduced rations of Cheezy Poofs for three months as an act of contrition. Officers of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team were not available for comment but a spokesman is quoted as saying that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway was glad that the crisis is over and that its employees are returning to work.

In a somewhat related story, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction has categorically denied allegations that the President of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway attempted to run over the office cat. In a press release distributed today, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction's spokeswoman, Brenda Vitale, claimed that the cat, named Smokey after the environs in which it lived, had been depressed lately and had been seeking psychiatric care under the terms of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's most comprehensive Employee Assistance Program. "The poor animal was just moping around the roundhouse", she said while impulsively dusting her desk. "He would hardly purr at all and when small children would approach the usually friendly feline would slink away and hide in a corner. It must have been downright frustrating trying to find a corner in a roundhouse", added Ms. Vitale It is the belief of the cat's psychiatrist, hired by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, that poor Smokey attempted to off himself by running in front of a moving locomotive that just happened to be under the control of the railroad's president. It is reported that Smokey is now under sedation and in the constant care of the psychiatrist. The railroad's spokeswoman also denies that any furniture owned by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is stuffed with crisp $100.00 bills as stated in an earlier erroneous news report. The incident so upset the President of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway that he immediately flew to Suva, the capital of the Fiji Islands to attend an  Employee Assistance Program set up by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team to help executives who suffer from the affects of the high stresses of the extremely competitive transportation industry.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Department of Denial and Archive Destruction considers the matter closed.

We thank you for your concern and interest in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management/employee relations.

Sincerely,
The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Department of Denial and Archive Destruction

34. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

We, the resolutely courageous and fearless members of The Special Interest Press have come across the following news report showing your railroad police department's total disregard for the safety, welfare, and racial makeup of the citizens through who's towns you pass and a cover-up so vast as to make Watergate look like a dripping bathroom spigot. What have you to say about this most flagrant disregard for the community at large?

Yours in sincerity,
Milicent Fenwich
Investigative Reporter
The Special Interest Press 

 By Scott Faltzchex, staff reporter

EASTERN LACKAWANNA COUNTY TIMES HERALD TRIBUNE NEWS DISPATCH

Scranton, Pa., May 29, 2001 - Sergeant Randy Whitherwill, a railroad police officer employed by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Department stands accused today of pointing a large bore, automatic, military type weapon at five ATV riders and firing a total of 3,000 rounds at them. Witnesses told police that when Sergeant Witherwill failed to hit any of his targets he then called in a squadron of F-16 Fighting Falcons from the Pennsylvania Air National Guard to drop napalm on the ATV riders. It is expected that Officer Witherwill will be arraigned this afternoon before District Justice Jolene Fairchild on five counts of reckless endangerment and simple assault, and one count of official oppression. Sergeant Witherwill is the son of Mayor Rodney Witherwill of Chinchilla, Pa. and third cousin of the Governor of Pennsylvania, Robert Bennett Cagey. Reckless endangerment charges filed by the State Attorney General's Office accuse Officer Whitherwill of pointing a loaded, large caliber, military type weapon at the ATV riders. The simple assault charges accuse Officer Whitherwill of placing people in fear of serious bodily injury. The official  oppression charge alleges that Officer Whitherwill knowingly misused his official capacity to "subject another person to detention, mistreatment, and infringement of personal property rights."

The charges stem from an incident on May 27, 2001. "If found guilty of any of the second-degree misdemeanors, he could be barred forever from being a police officer", warned Second Assistant District Attorney Clarence Caveat. An investigation by the Lackawanna County District Attorney's Office was prompted by the May 27th encounter of Officer Whitherwill near the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's tracks at Nay Aug tunnel with the five All-Terrain-Vehicle enthusiasts three of whom were reported to belong to racial minorities including African American, Hispanic, and Native American. The other two trespassers were reported to be of indeterminable ethnic background.

Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Department's Detective Joseph (Jay) Johnson, after a short but thoroughly brutal investigation, found others who, at first, had claimed to have been threatened by Officer Whitherwill. They described, prior to the nocturnal interview with Detective Johnson, a pattern of using a high powered military type weapon to intimidate. The weapon, described by military experts as an M93 Infantry Machine Gun which fires a 12.7 mm round, is imported by Yugoimport-SDPR of Yugoslavia. The weapon was originally reported to have been mounted on a military surplus Humvee registered to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Department. The witnesses described the vehicle as having mud flaps emblazoned with the slogan, "KILL 'EM ALL AND LET GOD SORT 'EM OUT!" The Lackawanna Terminal Railway operates the rail lines formerly owned by Conrail.

In response to questions about the allegations, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Chief of Police, Lieutenant Marcus Sade was quoted as stating, "The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Department owns no such type of vehicle as described by those malevolent trespassers nor do we have any of the weapons that Sergeant Witherwill was reported to have used against these self-same malevolent trespassers." Lieutenant Sade unilaterally denied that the appearance of forty Humvee vehicles, of the type described by the witnesses, at a local used car lot is anything more than a coincidence. When asked if firing thousands of rounds of large caliber ammunition at trespassers was part of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Department's normal police procedures Lieutenant Sade stated that "It is within normal police guidelines to pursue "with extreme prejudice" all who, by their presence present a danger to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's facilities or employees or, who, by their actions, present a danger to themselves. Compliance with this policy is required of all Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Department employees at all times but it is with special emphasis that we command all officers to shoot first if the perpetrators fit criminal profiles based on FBI identified characteristics", Lieutenant Sade went on to say. When asked if the fact that the victims in this alleged incident were racial minorities had anything to do with Sergeant Witherwill's extremely aggressive behavior Lieutenant Sade stated for the record that "In this era of social sensitivity, our officers are trained do not discriminate between vicious criminals because of their race, religion, or ethnic persuasion. Our orders are to fire on everyone indiscriminately."

Also pending are unrelated charges that Sergeant Witherwill, with the participation of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Department SWAT Team entered a guarded military installation under the cover of night and stole the weapons and vehicles which Sergeant Witherwill was alleged to have used in the May 27th incident.  Thirty nine other weapons of similar type were also reported stolen at the same time. All such charges have been denied by Lieutenant Sade as being un-provable and therefore, frivolous and untrue. No charges were filed against the members of the Pennsylvania National Guard as their alleged napalm attack on the ATV enthusiasts missed by half a mile and their embarrassment was considered punishment enough.

Detective Johnson's affidavit identifies the five alleged victims as John Smith of Scranton, Tony Moskowitch and Glen Filburt of Dunmore and Seth and Wilbur Klem of Jessup, Pennsylvania. The victim's addresses and next of kin were also included in the affidavit.

Dear Milicent,
How nice to hear from you again.

We, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction, have been in constant contact with the office of the Second Assistant District Attorney Clarence Caveat as you may understand our concern in this matter.  It may please you, as it does us, to know that all charges have been dropped against Sergeant Witherwill regarding the alleged incident of May 27, 2001 due to the unexplained but timely disappearance of all witnesses to the alleged incident. As members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction and front men for the company against all detractors we were certain that the truth in this matter would come out and all allegations of impropriety would be dismissed without rancor. The disappearance of those individuals who, with callous disregard for the fine reputation of an experienced law enforcement officer such as Sergeant Witherwill brought forth such implausible charges, only goes to prove the specious and presumptuous nature of the state's case against Sergeant Witherwill and the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's police force; a police force without peer within the law enforcement community.

The fraudulent allegations that the Pennsylvania National Guard was called in to participate in these alleged events is patently absurd and bears no relationship to any action either by employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Department or the proud members of the Pennsylvania National Guard.

In an totally unrelated matter, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction send their most heartfelt condolences to the firefighters injured in the attempt to quench the recent firestorm near the site of, but unrelated to, the alleged incident.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction considers the matter closed.

33. The following question and answer was taken from an interview with the president of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway during the celebration of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's twenty fifth anniversary celebration in Scranton, Pa. on April 1, 2001.

Inquiring Reporter: April 1, 2001 marks the 25th anniversary of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and the readers of The Special Interest Press are clamoring to know what you, as president of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, consider to be the most important event, to date, in the history of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

Lackawanna Terminal Railway President: The Lackawanna Terminal Management Team has spent the past twenty five years in a continuing battle with other railroads, local community opposition, and the government on a local, state, and federal level to sustain the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's profitability, enrich the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team and, to a lesser extent, the corporate stock holders, and in doing so, keeping the commerce of America rolling unimpeded to its final destination.

To this end we have invested untold millions of dollars in our fixed plant, locomotive and freight car acquisition, and blatant payoffs to government officials at all levels. We have broken new ground in the area of creative financing and have expanded our horizons into the fields of entertainment, space exploration, human behavior management, and international benevolence. In each and every endeavor we have succeeded to the point of becoming the envy of industrial giants nationwide and have attracted the attention of federal prosecutors on many occasions.

Through all this, however, we, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Management Team have not rested on our well earned laurels. We know we can never relax in our constant vigil against the creeping, insidious, viperous enemies that would destroy us and end a successful enterprise that has embarrassed and embittered our lesser adversaries. We, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team, have spent countless hours studying the many successful corporate models we have found throughout the world and have attempted to adapt their finest aspects to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management style and so continue to thrive in the meat grinder that is international commerce today. We have diligently studied those companies which have grown the fastest, destroyed the most competition, and have risen to rule the world of commerce, namely the Japanese. It is, therefore, that I must conclude that the greatest, most important new innovation of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team; the one event that will pull our employees together to battle the opposition; the one advantage that we have found in the Japanese business world that allows them to compete so successfully against all competition worldwide; the creation of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Corporate Theme Song.

Having decided that a company theme song would best bind together our many and varied enterprises throughout the world the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team hired the best and brightest of all musicologists, Melissa Coldridge, daughter of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Vice President of Financial Intervention, Godfried Coldridge, gave her a virtually unlimited virtual budget and sent her to far off lands in search of the perfect company theme song; one that would reflect the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management style and instill in our employees the respect and  reverence for, and the fear of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team they have worked so hard to earn.

It is interesting to note that although the Japanese model was determined to be the most appropriate for corporate unity it was found that their songs just did not translate properly into the themes we, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team, wished to convey to our employees, plus they wanted too much money to create the proper theme song for our needs. Miss Coldridge then proposed what was to become the solution we had been looking for; the song with just the right message; a song that would stir the imaginations of our workers and amalgamate our forces in our common and just fight against our persecutors. Miss Melissa Coldridge proposed that we use the national anthem of the now defunct Soviet Union.

The advantages to this suggestion were obvious and were accepted in a hurriedly arranged meeting of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team:
Advantage #1 - The melody and lyrics are in the public domain and, therefore, free.
Advantage #2 - The Soviet Union has not existed since December of 1991 so who is to complain?
Advantage #3 - The music is stirring and can raise goose bumps on the most hardy of prison camp inmates.
Advantage #4 - The lyrics cannot be understood by the average Lackawanna Terminal Railway employee.
Advantage #5 - The lyrics can be translated from the original Russian into a language more acceptable to conservative congressmen needed to pass legislation favorable to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's profitability.

Miss Coldridge was thus instructed to acquire the melody and lyrics for the National Anthem of the Soviet Union and where necessary translate the lyrics into an obscure yet more acceptable language than the original Russian.

While the new words to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's new corporate theme song may sound like the original Russian, the lyrics are, in fact in the language of the Muliac Indian Nation which only coincidentally sound much like Russian. The Muliacs are a Native American tribe whose distant relatives inhabited the hills that surround the City of Scranton, Pennsylvania. At Miss Coldridge's suggestion a chorus was to be created exclusively from Muliac Indians until it was discovered that the Muliacs were almost completely wiped out as a tribe during the great coal mine expansion of the 1890s. After meticulous research carried out by the staff of the History Department of the Eastern Lackawanna County Agricultural and Technical University a small Muliac Indian family consisting of the last seven surviving members of the Muliac Tribe was located in Bucks County, Pennsylvania and hired as maintenance of way employees so that they could qualify to become members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Chorus and so be able to participate in the festivities surrounding the introduction of our new theme song. The three members of the Muliac Tribe family who were under seven years of age were immediately put on "light duty" so as not to come afoul of Pennsylvania's most stringent, yet outdated, child labor laws.

The new lyrics for the "Anthem of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway" translated into English from the original Language of the Muliac Indian Nation follow:

The Anthem of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway

Lyrics by Melissa Coldridge

Unbreakable Union of freeborn Republicans, 
The Lackawanna Terminal is welded forever to stand.
Created in struggle by will of the people, 
United and mighty, across our American land!

Sing all Praises to Scranton, home of the free,
Bulwark of the railroad in brotherhood strong.
O Party in Suva, the strength of the people,
Our Company's triumphs will lead us on!

Through tempests the sunrays of profits have cheered us,
Along the new right-of-way where great Management did lead.
To a righteous cause our railroad raised up the peoples,
Inspired them to labor and valorous deed.

Sing all Praises to Scranton, home of the free,
Bulwark of the railroad in brotherhood strong.
O Party in Suva, the strength of the people,
Our Company's triumphs will lead us on!

In the vict'ry of Management's deathless ideal,
We see the future of our dear Railroad.
And to her fluttering Gray, yellow, and Maroon banner,
Selflessly true we always shall stand!

The day the new Lackawanna Terminal Railway Theme Song was introduced to the employees a Corporate Memo was distributed to all work and signup locations within the Lackawanna Terminal Railway as well as all work locations throughout the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Inc., the parent company. The Corporate Memo requires that all employees memorize the lyrics to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's new anthem and at 8:00 am each morning, seven days a week, all Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Inc. and Lackawanna Terminal Railway employees, their families and friends are to stand and face in the direction of their respective corporate headquarters and sing the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Anthem.

We, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team expect that all so instructed will comply with the directive issued resulting in an Brobdingnagian psychodynamism and the complete domination of the railroad industry and all regulatory agencies so involved.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team considers the introduction of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Anthem, amongst their many great accomplishments, the greatest of all.

36. Dear Mr. Railroad President,

Copies of the following letters were recently received in our office with alarm and incredulity. Is this the way a major American Corporation treats the downtrodden refuse of American society? Are the poor, helpless citizens of this proud nation to be ignored, ill treated, and abused in such a manner as this when they wish only to improve their situation in life? We vehemently object to your treatment of this individual who so desperately needs your help as his plaintive letter makes clear. The follow-up letter from his lawyer resulting from your abusive dismissal of this poor man's plea for employment explains with exactitude Mr. Piney's situation and the misunderstanding that led to his arrest and incarceration. Your pitiful treatment of this poor misunderstood man who has obviously paid his debt to society speaks eloquently of your moral depravity and your corporation's callous disregard for humanity. You and your ilk are despicable examples of Corporate America's malicious vendetta against the poor, neglected, and maligned citizens of our great country. I have included copies of the correspondence of Mr. Piney, his lawyer and your letter declining Mr. Piney's most pitiful request for employment with your company.

Yours in trust and loving friendship, 
Faith Goodhart 
Chairperson, Association for the Integration of Criminals into Society

Exhibit #1:

Deer sur,

I am curantly unemploied and am looking for a job.  I like trains a hole lot and want to wurk four a railroad.  Can I get a job with the Lackawanna Turminul Railroad? I wood be good at union relations and customer survice.  I also can do websites, and play solitare on the internet.

 I am not a troublemaker, and reely need a job.  I will be out in six months for good behavior.

 Your friend, A. Piney

Exhibit #2:

Dear Mr. Piney,

Thank you for writing to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Every business day our office here in Scranton, Pennsylvania receives many hundreds of letters from people, just like you, who are looking for employment in the railroad industry. Unfortunately, our office staff has little time to cull through such wearisome, whining, sniveling tripe from bothersome, unemployables such as yourself who, we can only surmise, are writing us to fulfill some requirement of your state's Office for the Unemployable Wretched Refuse or as part of a literacy course offered as a requirement for your parole from the state's penal system.

If, in a moment of weakness, we were to give your request a minimum of consideration, which we won't, we do not hire employees off the street, even with the highest recommendations from the most impeccable sources. Instead, let me recommend that you contact those good folks at the Eastern Lackawanna County Agricultural and Technical University and request from them information on their many fine courses in Railroad Technology. Perhaps, with a great deal of very expensive academic assistance, you might acquire enough knowledge to apply for employment on one of the lesser class I railroads such as the Norfolk Southern or Union Pacific. Perhaps, if you were to get a barely passing grade in an Associate's Degree in Railroad Management you might be hired by New Jersey Transit as a Deputy General Manager - Transportation. Certainly, no railroad of any quality would deign hire one of your ilk but I understand that NJ Transit will hire, for a management position, anyone, no matter how unfit for the job nor how many times they have been fired by previous railroad employers.

Barring a passing grade from the good folks at the Eastern Lackawanna County Agricultural and Technical University, we must advise you, albeit reluctantly, that your only other hope for employment in the railroad industry is to check your family's genealogical history to determine if you may be distantly related to a New Jersey Transit manager. Being a Piney, that is, a resident of the Pine Barrens region in Southern Jersey, it is possible that one of your distant relatives crossbred with a member of NJ Transit's management at some time in the past. This would insure your immediate employment with New Jersey Transit as they are especially fond and protective of their inbred kin.

It is the sincere recommendation of the staff of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Human Resources Department that in lieu of applying for employment with New Jersey Transit, you reject parole and remain behind bars for the rest of your natural life. The alternate is employment as a New Jersey Transit manager, considered by those well acquainted with the railroad industry, as a fate worst than having intimate relations with your crippled, welfare cheating, homosexual, cross dressing uncle; the one with the anal fetish (Yes, Mr. Piney, we now have a dossier on your entire family).

 Its your call.

 

With warm regards, 
The Staff of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Human Resources Department

Exhibit #3:

ACERBIC ENTERPRISES, LLC

General Store, Blueberries, Crop Dusting, Phone Company and Attorneys at Law                                                                                     

September 27, 2002

Mr. Steve Kay, President 
Lackawanna Terminal Railroad 
Scranton, PA

My Dear Mr. Kay:

My client, Mr. A. Piney, has asked me to speak to you in the matter of his application for employment. I have read the reply sent to him from your Human Resources Department, and I was convinced that your subordinates feel that they are dealing with a simpleton.

Let me assure you sir, that Mr. Piney is an upstanding and respected citizen of his community. The matter of his incarceration was a gross misunderstanding on the part of the prosecutor, judge and jury. In order to ease your mind, the following is a brief synopsis of the entire matter:

Mr. Piney’s father and two uncles were the owners of the state's largest commercial cranberry and blueberry farm and packing house. They also owned the trucking company that transported their products throughout the U.S. Mr. Piney’s father also owned a small private distillery.  Recently, the Canadian Corporation, Seagram’s, purchased the formula of the senior Piney’s product to use as the basis of a new spirit they intend to market.
  
All told, the holdings of the Piney family were in excess of $30,000,000.00.

At a family barbecue last spring, my client dozed off under a shady tree, while apparently; the rest of the family went into the main house.  When my client awoke and went to the house, he was saddened to note that the entire family had expired from unknown causes.  As a suitable memorial, and in compliance with what he believed to be their last wishes, my client set the house ablaze.  When the fire and police departments arrived, they found my client dancing in small circles and clapping his hands.  This is of course a  well recognized sign of grief, as we were
able to convince the court.

However, an overzealous agent of the ASPCA noted that a pig had received second-degree burns when the blazing windmill collapsed on its pen.  My client was charged with cruelty to animals.  Naturally, the liberal farmers on the  jury quickly convicted him, and he was sentenced to one year in the Atlantic County Jail.

Mr. Piney will soon be released, and at his direction, I have sold all of the assets (which are rightfully his).  He can live comfortably on the money from the sale, but wishes to do something useful; hence, he applied for work on your railroad.

I advised my client to follow the suggestions that he received from your Human Resources Department.  Therefore, on Tuesday, I called the University, as suggested.  I was surprised that the phone was answered by a pizza parlor, but I understand that this is due to construction and expansion of the University.  Your registrar gave us directions,  and we met him in the parking lot of a Yacco Pirogue franchise in Wilkes-Barre.  I have never before seen class registration done in a Ford Windstar.  As requested, the $22,000.00 for the first semester was paid in small bills.

Following the registrar’s directions, we drove to the dormitory, which turned out to be a vacant lot in Forty-Fort. The addresses of the campus buildings in Scranton turned out to be: a car wash, an abandoned Studebaker dealer, a Tru-Value Hardware store, and a bordello.

Surely, there has been some misunderstanding.  My client is not concerned about the money, as he is very well off, and considers your organization a reliable one.  Perhaps you can use your position to clear this matter up, as my client is anxious for an opportunity to work as your employee.

Yours truly, 
M. Schiester, esq.
Attorney-at-Law

Dear Ms. Goodhart:
The President and CEO of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway was most distressed by the content and tone of your letter displayed above. However, as will become apparent, things are not quite what they seem at first blush. Naturally, on receiving your most rancorous tome, the President and CEO of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway delegated the responsibility of responding to your ill conceived accusations toward our most fastidious and prudent President and Chairman of the Board to me, Kelly Green, Special Assistant to the President and CEO of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, and it became my duty and obligation to investigate the circumstances which triggered your querulous comments regarding our President's, and by extension, our company's handling of the matter of Mr. Piney's request for employment with the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. To that end, and to ease the enormous workload caused by your discordant discourse, I enlisted the aid of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Chief of Criminal Investigations, Lt. Marcus Sade, a man with impeccable credentials in the field of criminal misbehavior. The results of his investigation were forwarded to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Corporate Counsel in Philadelphia, Pa. 

I am certain that, upon reading Mr. Sade's report on the subject at hand, you will be as convinced as I that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Human Resources Department handled the matter in a most profession manner and that Mr. Piney's lawyer's comments as well as your own are without validation, justification, or substance and that perhaps for once and for all you will cease your superfluous, gratuitous whining and find an activity more suited to your gender, whatever it may be. 

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the matter closed.

With due regard, 

Kelly Green 
Special assistant to the President and CEO
Lackawanna Terminal Railway

Lt. Sade's report is enclosed as Exhibit #4.

Exhibit #4:

Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation
Department of Criminal Investigations                                                                                                                         Lt. Marcus D. Sade, Chief Investigator
From   Lt. Marcus Sade                                                                                                        
February 15, 2003

Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation   
Department of Criminal Investigations
1 Lackawanna Plaza
Scranton, Pa.

To: The Honorable Lionel Howe                                                               
Offices of Dooey, Suem, and Howe
1 Penn Plaza
Philadelphia, Pa.

Dear Mr. Howe:

Once again it is a pleasure to communicate with you and to accede to a request from Mr. Kelley Green, Special Assistant to the President and CEO of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, to follow up on a letter from a Mr. M. Schiester of ACERBIC ENTERPRISES, LLC, dated September 27, 2002 and Ms. Faith Goodhart,

Chairperson, Association for the Integration of Criminals into Society,

these letters having been received by our office in reference to a letter sent to the President of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway vis a vie a request for employment by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway of one Mr. A Piney. After a thorough investigation by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation's Department of Criminal Investigations we have uncovered the following facts:

1. In reference to the Statement by Mr. M. Schiester that Mr. Piney is an upstanding and respected citizen of his community it has been determined that no statement could be further from the truth. Mr. A. Piney is known locally as a recluse with a long history of mental health problems dating from early childhood. Our investigation uncovered no less than seven admissions to a mental institution in southern New Jersey known as Cranberry Cottage for the Mentally Aberrant, a founding member of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. The admission records of this well respected mental hospital, a facility that deals primarily with children with problems of a sexual nature, show that, as a juvenile, Mr. Piney was treated seven times without positive result and each time was reluctantly discharged when Mr. Piney's relatives claimed he was needed to harvest their crops of cranberries and blueberries in spite of the young Mr. Piney's cries for sanctuary within the confines of the Cranberry Cottage for the Mentally Aberrant.

2. As to the matter of his incarceration being a "gross misunderstanding on the part of the prosecutor, judge, and jury, our investigation finds that the judge and jury were overly lenient in the case of Mr. A. Piney; a leniency abetted by a large donation from Mr. A. Piney's estate by Mr. M. Schiester to the local Democratic Party, an organization in which the judge in the case is a prominent member. It also appears from evidence uncovered during the course of our inquiries into the matter that Mr. A. Piney was not quite as innocent as Mr. Schiester was led to believe; and now leads us to believe. Photographs taken from a satellite, launched last year from the SpaceLift Incorporated's facility on the Nicobar Islands near the Bay of Bengal doing high resolution land survey work for the US Department of Agriculture over the eastern seaboard of the United States at the time of the fire and recently acquired by our office, tells a different story.

According to sequential photographs taken by SpaceLift's Geostationary Satellite (GEOSTAT 12) Mr. A Piney was observed moving from the shade tree where it was thought he was taking a nap, pouring the contents of two five gallon containers known as "Jerry Cans" around the foundation of the "Main House", mentioned in Mr. Schiester's letter, and setting the house on fire by igniting it with a lit railroad type fusee. These photographs, with your concurrence, will be forwarded to the prosecutor's office that has jurisdiction over the Piney case. The time frame of these pictures leaves little doubt that Mr. Piney's relatives were not done in but some alleged "unknown cause" but were, in fact, murdered by a malevolent Mr. A. Piney in a most horrible and vicious manner.

In view of the facts of Mr. Piney's past mental instability and the cruel manner with which Mr. Piney was treated by the rest of his family it is not surprising that Mr. Piney would act in such a depraved manner. When questioned by our investigators the staff of the Cranberry Cottage for the Mentally Aberrant all agreed that Mr. Piney's "dancing in small circles and clapping his hands" as observed by units of the local police and fire department was, in every way, consistent with the mental delusions observed during Mr. Piney's multiple incarcerations. It is the opinion of this investigator that Mr. A. Piney avoided a well deserve trip to death row.

3. The "overzealous agent of the ASPCA" mentioned in Mr. Schiester' letter dated September 27, 2002 was, in fact one of Mr. A Piney's closest relatives, his illegitimate daughter sired with Mr. Piney's first aunt. Her mother was one of the victims of the fire set by Mr. Piney so her outrage is understandable. The only reason Mr. Piney was charged with "cruelty to animals" was simply that the agent from the ASPCA was not armed at the time of Mr. Piney's arrest so a more fitting end to the day's events could not be achieved. It may be of interest to note that Mr. Piney's incarceration in the Atlantic County Jail was, for him, a pleasant one as he fit into all the dresses offered him by his fellow inmates and, at times, fetched a enviable five packs of cigarettes per "visit".

4. After much diligent and extremely expensive research into the matter several "facts" mentioned in Mr. Scheister's letter have been confirmed, after a fashion. First, Mr. Schiester did, in fact, advise Mr. Piney to apply to the Eastern Lackawanna County Agricultural and Technical University in a core curriculum that would prepare him for employment in the railroad industry and, in fact, when Mr. Schiester called the University, in Scranton, Pa, he was, as he stated, connected to a pizza parlor but this was not, as Mr. Schiester stated "due to construction and expansion of the University". The fact of the matter is that the registrar runs the pizza parlor as an adjunct to the University's curriculum on small business ethics and the operator on duty at the University switch board that day mistakenly thought that the registrar was teaching at the pizza parlor; a simple and honest mistake.

5. Further investigation into the allegations made by Mr. Schiester that he met the registrar in the parking lot of a Yacco Pirogue franchise in Wilkes-Barre, Pa. lead to a somewhat different result. Witnesses who were in the parking lot of the Yacco Pirogue in Wilkes-Barre, Pa. that night all confirm that Mr. Schiester was in the parking lot propositioning a well know local prostitute. Mr. Schiester was seen leaving the parking lot sometime before midnight after visiting with the prostitute in a Ford Windstar later confirmed, by checking the license plate number, to be registered to Acerbic Enterprises, LLC. When our investigators called Acerbic Enterprises, LLC. the next day, a spokesperson for the firm confirmed that that particular vehicle was reserved for the exclusive use of Mr. M. Schiester.

6. After our accountants interviewed the staff of the Eastern Lackawanna County Agricultural and Technical University's Admissions Department and perused the University's accounts receivable records it became obvious that the claim by Mr. Schiester that he paid tuition for Mr. Piney in the sum of $22,000 is part of a nefarious scam perpetrated by Mr. Schiester against the estate of Mr A. Piney. In fact, the only money, Mr. Schiester paid out that night was a $200.00 stipend to the local prostitute with whom he spent the evening.

7. Mr. Schiester's claim that he drove to dormitories under the ownership of the Eastern Lackawanna County Agricultural and Technical University is another of Mr. Schiester's prevarications. In fact, as confirmed by witnesses that night, Mr. Schiester drove to Forty-Fort, Pa. in an effort to solicit more illicit sex and to procure, for himself and his consort, illegal drugs. According to highly credible sources interviewed by our investigators, Mr. Schiester and an under age female he picked up in the parking lot of a Seven Eleven in Taylor, Pa. bought marijuana at a car wash, then proceeded to a auto salvage yard were they were observed smoking the marijuana and participating in "deviant sexual behavior" by a group of transients living nearby. Later, Mr. Schiester and a different young female were caught on a security camera at an all night Tru-Value hardware store buying a length of rope, some short lengths of chain, four padlocks, and a box of mothballs; this purchase being confirmed by the store clerk on duty at the time and a copy of the register receipt. The use to which Mr. Schiester and his companion put these items can only be surmised as his companion has not been seen since that night.

8. Mr. Schiester again throws credence to the winds when he states that his "client is not concerned about money, as he is very well off". Due to Mr. Piney's unstable mental state as confirmed by mental health professionals, his mind is continually occupied by fond memories of his incarceration in mental institutions and county jails and has no interest in any monetary wealth he might be privileged to possess. It came to the attention of our investigators during interviews with the employees of Acerbic Enterprises, LLC. that Mr. Piney has been kept totally unaware of the fortune under the control of Mr. Schiester and the Board of Directors at Acerbic Enterprises, LLC. Further investigation into the financial activities of Acerbic Enterprises, LLC. discloses that Mr. Piney's fortune has been almost entirely depleted through outrageous service fees and the poor investment strategy of a team of financial advisers led by Mr. Schiester.

It is apparent, through the studious inquiries of the investigative teams of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation's Department of Criminal Investigations, that not only is Mr. A. Piney unfit for employment with the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation but it would be more appropriate for him to be incarcerated in a high security mental health institution for the rest of his natural life. It is also the learned opinion of this team of investigators that Mr. M. Schiester's letter of September 27, 2002 not only be rejected by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation's Department of Human Resources but forwarded, along with all the notes and photographs collected during our inquiries, to the office of the prosecutor for the jurisdictions covering the events included herein so that Mr. Schiester and his band of thieving villains can be brought to justice and punished in a manner befitting their heinous crimes against Mr. Piney and society as a whole.

As always, it has been a pleasure doing business with you and your law firm. We await your further instructions in this matter.

Warm regards,
Lt. Marcus D. Sade
Chief Investigator and Commander
Department of Investigations
Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation

 

37. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

A great deal has been written in the press concerning railroad security since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. The enormous quantities of hazardous chemicals carried by the nation's railroads and those railroad's close proximity to urban centers make the nation's railroads a prime target for terrorist acts. It is clearly important for the railroad companies to be watchful for suspicious activities along the miles of track which span the nation.

What, specifically, is the Lackawanna Terminal Railway doing to protect itself and the communities through which it runs from a potential catastrophe caused by a terrorist nation through their agents in this country; agents who, suspiciously and with nefarious self interest, freely roam the country alone and in groups, trespassing on railroad property, photographing equipment and facilities, writing down train dispositions, car counts, and other proprietary information? What have you done, Mr. Railroad President, to stamp out these undesirables who threaten the railroad industry and in doing so threaten the very lifeblood of our great nation? I am talking, of course, about those most abhorrent if individuals, the railfan! 

Here, on the R&IT Railroad, we have considered issuing Railfan Hunting Permits for the R&IT Railroad Police. This should give the patrols a focus during the warm weather when railfans run rampant over the property but with the obvious restrictions. Railroad police officers can only bag a certain amount of railfans during Railfan Season. Railfans caught out of season must be released. Also, there are size requirements as well. If one is too small or too young, it must be released back into the wild (or the nearest McDonald's). 

The Department of Railroad Security for the R&IT Railroad has brought this proposal before the railroad's Board of Directors and has vehemently argued its case before them at the last Director's meeting. Our most considered and reasonable proposal was agued against by the R&IT Department of Community Relations, a butt kissing, feel good, touchy-feely group of useless, long haired, hippy do-gooders if ever there was one.

A compromise was reached after days of tedious negotiations. The Board of Directors of the R&IT decreed that railfans would be issued photo permit applications. Once the applications are filled out and submitted, accompanied by a check for a large amount of money made out to "CASH", photographers will be permitted to take photographs of R&IT equipment at one designated spot for a period of from twenty minutes to one hour depending on the size of the check.

Restrictions apply:
1. Permits are given out first to the person who supplies the largest check then in descending order of amount tendered but in no case will a permit be given out for less than $200.00.
2. Personnel may be photographed with the following tariffs:
    Engineer: $50.00 for each photograph.
    Conductor: $10.00 for each photograph.
    Trainman: $5.00 for each photograph.
    Mechanical and track forces: $1.00 for each photograph.

Autographs cost extra and are negotiable.

Violations of these tariffs may result in confiscation of photograph equipment and imprisonment for up to 10 years but not less than 6 months. 

While the results of this compromise decision by the Board of Directors of the R&IT leaves a sour taste in the mouth of all who love our proud nation we, the proud, hardworking professionals of the R&IT Railroad Department of Security, will follow the directive of the Board of Directors of the R&IT and will refrain from killing those who justly deserve to be killed, including members of the R&IT Department of Community Relations.

Otto Vondrak
Security Director, R&IT Railroad

Dear Mr. Vondrak:

Thank you for your well thought out concept for issuing Railfan Hunting Permits to the R&IT Railway's Police Department. Our Commander, Lt. Marcus Sade, has just this day issued a directive authorizing such permits to be issued to Lackawanna Terminal Railway police officers. We are anticipating that such permits will be issued to all LT police officers by the end of this business day.

We have, however, made some modifications to your idea. Since it is relatively impossible to tell the age of some of the photographers who would shoot pictures of anything LT, even through the scopes of our officer's high powered sniper rifles, we have decided that dead or wounded photographers who are too young and or too small to conform to the size/age requirements of the issued permits will simply be discarded in the nearest dumpster. This considerably simplifies paperwork for the already overworked staff of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's police department and provides an environmentally friendly solution to cleaning up the carnage expected when the normally overzealous LT police officers begin carrying out the requirements of the issued permits.

It has also been determined that the frustration of having a target in their sights and not being able to pull the trigger due to any size/age limitations may result in bullet riddled road signs, mailboxes, cars and/or trucks and other seemingly innocent stationary and moving objects. Since these seemingly innocent stationary and moving objects, unlike railfan photographers, normally pose no provable threat to national security it has been deemed necessary to allow the holders of Railfan Hunting Permits to shoot at will and leave the sorting out of age and/or size violations to the good folks of the appropriate state's Fish and Wildlife Commissions.

Lt. Marcus Sade has also decreed that there be no seasonal limitation on hunting those who would surreptitiously photograph all things LT. Since the depravity of these meddlesome interlopers and the potential danger to our beloved railroad and the nation it supports know no bounds it is only appropriate that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's permit holders meet the challenge these "evil doers" proffer 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 12 months a year until these interloping, terroristic, foreign fellow travelers are eliminated and the dangers they present are forever expunged from the earth. Once done, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, and therefore the nation, will be forever safe.

Yours in obsessive support of Homeland Security,
Colonel Greta Freebish
Commandant, Lackawanna Terminal Railway's
Police Department's Office of Homeland Security

36. Dear Mister Railroad President:

The Federal Government under the leadership of President George Bush has come to the conclusion that the Social Security System is in deep trouble and that it will not be able to fulfill its mandate to properly provide a financial and medical safety net for the country's retired senior citizens if something is not done to bolster revenues. Many corrective options have been proposed both by governmental and private groups. How will this crisis in governmental mismanagement and the proposed cures for the nation's promise to retired citizens affect the Railroad Retirement System and railroad retirees? Has the Lackawanna Terminal Management Team done any research into the problems facing our senior retired railroaders or offered any solutions to what may become the worst government debacle since the Vietnam War or Hillary Clinton's failed attempt to reform this country's medical system. What will future railroad retirees face when their time comes to leave the railroad industry and reap the rewards of a guaranteed income and affordable medical benefits promised them by their government and its elected representatives?

 With sincere warm regards,
Clarence Bobinski
General Chairman, General Committee of Adjustment
International Brotherhood of Locomotive Employees (BLE)
Representing the unionized transportation employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway

 Dear General Chairman Bobinski;

The members of the Lackawanna Terminal Management Team are as concerned as you and your followers about the future of the Railroad Retirement System. As you are well aware, the Railroad Retirement System is a two tiered system. While Tier 2 railroad retirement benefits and their funding are generally determined by rail labor and management bargaining agreements, Tier 1 benefits are basically Social Security benefits. Contributions to and benefits from Tier I of the Railroad Retirement System are based on the same formulas as provided under the Social Security Act and any changes to the latter will affect the former in a like manner. Therefore, it is essential that all members of the railroad industry involve themselves in any changes to the Social Security System in order to protect railroad companies and  their workers from any adverse affects brought on by radical changes in America's  retirement system.

To this end the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team have assigned our Chief Financial Officer (CFO) Margaret Blintz to form a blue ribbon panel to investigate the various problems in both retirement income and medical benefits and solutions proffered by government and private groups to save the Social Security System and therefore have a beneficial affect on the Railroad Retirement System.  From the panel's report the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team have devised a set of solutions to each problem encountered in our quest for the best solution to the Social Security Trust Fund's  insolvency.

The President predicts that, without draconian reform, the Social Security System is headed for bankruptcy and strongly suggests "private accounts" as the answer and said, in fact, "by the year 2042, the entire system would be exhausted and bankrupt

If steps are not taken to avert that outcome, the only solutions would be dramatically higher taxes, massive new borrowing, or sudden and severe cuts in Social Security benefits or other government programs." (Feb. 3, 2005 State of the Union Address)

Our blue ribbon panel, after many hours of research, soul searching, and numerous cocktails has determined that this most dire prediction is not necessarily so and that the real problem with financing the Social Security System is that revenues going into the system eventually will be outstripped by costs by a date upon which even "exports" from the government can't agree. The blue ribbon panel also concluded that there are several ways that revenue can be increased and costs controlled so that benefits can continue at their promised levels even with the COLA (Cost of Living Allocation) presently in place (or slightly modified) . Since no single solution solves the solvency problem the real answer rests on the combined implementation of the blue ribbon panel's recommendations.

According to the blue ribbon panel any solution to the Social Security continued solvency problem must be bipartisan, thus appealing to both Republicans and Democrats in order to be passed through the meat grinder that the legislative process has become. The blue ribbon panel also suggests that any permanent fix to the retirement system has to include coming to grips with increasing Medicare costs as well as maintaining the monthly checks that retirees have been promised. The following represents the blue ribbon panel's combined remedies for Social Security, and Medicare solvency:

1. Make all earnings subject to the payroll tax. Currently, earnings above $90,000 aren't taxed. Eliminating that cap would hit only the highest-earning 6% of the population. This would bring in enough to close 93% of the gap over the next 75 years, but only 33% of the gap at the end. One reason is that high-income taxpayers would draw increased benefits in the future based on their higher taxable wages. This is one the Democrats should love because it plays well to their mantra about screwing the rich. The Republicans will buy into this part of the plan because they, like the Democrats, are first and foremost surviving politicians and therefore are willing to screw their wealthy friends if necessary to offset a greater evil such as their inability to feed at the Federal Trough.

Wealthy corporations and individuals will reap financial returns in other ways that will more than offset any loss in gross earnings caused by the extension of the Social Security tax.

2. Deny monthly checks to those whose unearned income during retirement exceeds the monthly Social Security  stipend but allow retirees to earn an unlimited amount of earned income after they reach retirement age. This would allow retirees the opportunity to continue working long after their normal retirement age without penalty while providing the retail industry with an abundant source of cheap labor thus stunting the growth of and further withering the strength of Communist leaning trade unionism in the retail marketplace. It would also allow the "Baby Boomers" to continue to contribute to society and the government's coffers by extending their useful lives and thus garnering the respect of those younger generations who would reluctantly have to support their ungrateful and aged personages otherwise. It would also allow those who have attained great wealth to continue to work as consultants to companies they have bankrupted while they were CEOs and CFOs and reap the full benefits of their various nefarious enterprises. This is one both Democrats and Republicans should equally embrace since this recommendation benefits the wealthy supporters they screwed in item 1 above and politicians are no longer concerned about trade unions anymore.

 3. Allow the cost of all prescription medicines to continue to increase at a far greater rate than the cost of living index while keeping the Medicare allowance for medicines rigidly the same. Since one the largest factors in the increase of Social Security and Medicare costs is the coming of age of the "Baby Boomers", increasing the cost of life sustaining medication will require seniors to choose between medical sustenance and their favorite dog food. Since dog food is much more filling than pills and far less expensive most seniors would choose to fill up on "Kibbles and Bits" instead of life sustaining medication with the resultant shortening of their lifespan. This predicted rapid decline in the numbers of "Baby Booming" seniors living off the dole and draining the Medicare system will close the gap in Medicare and Social Security costs by a minimum of 25% over the next 75 years and close 33% of the gap at the end as well as provide a gold mine of wealth for the pharmaceutical industry already embarrassingly flush with funds.

4. Allow an increase in the importation of illegal immigrants, especially from the south and continue to "export" high paying tech jobs to third world countries. Illegal immigrants from the south will take jobs which nobody wants anyway, pay into the Social Security and income tax systems but never collect benefits or tax returns because if they try they will be deported. The jobs they leave when they return to their homelands can be filled by legal retirees. The exportation of high paying tech jobs will leave over qualified geeks unemployable and require them to apply immediately for unemployment compensation and eventually, welfare. The unemployed geeks will have to sell their houses to real-estate brokers who will in turn sell them to illegal immigrants from the south who will turn them into condos for their relatives who are also in this country illegally. The revenue ingested by the government from this plan will close the Social Security gap by 12.5% over 15 years and will create a surplus in the Social Security and Medicare systems by the year 1024; money that can be siphoned off into the Federal Government's General Fund and wasted on useless pork barrel projects across this great nation. In addition, denying free medical benefits to illegal immigrants and their families could add another 10% to gap closing revenues over 15 years and increase the surplus in 2024 by an additional 7%. Both political parties should embrace this solution because it generates much tax revenue and puts left wing liberal geeks on welfare and thereby increases government control over them.

So, as you can see General Chairman Bobinski, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team takes the ongoing debate on Social Security solvency very seriously since it's affect on the Railroad Retirement System is obvious. The suggestions of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's blue ribbon panel will be forwarded to those many members of Congress whose views are sympathetic to those corporations within the railroad industry who generously support them in their most patriotic endeavors. We are confident in the bipartisan Congressional support for our most worthy  recommendations commensurate with the financial support we give our Congressmen and women.  

Thank you for your concern in this matter,
The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team

39. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

Through the most  thorough and exhaustive  investigative procedures by our mole planted deep within the bowels of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Department of Denial and Archive Destruction It has come to the attention of our most august organization that your draconian employee absentee policy not only requires employees to work on their scheduled rest days but disciplines them for absenteeism that has not yet occurred. We have surreptitiously acquired several pieces of correspondence between the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Office of Hearings and Investigations and an employee, a Mr. Montenitro and his union representative, concerning his proposed absence from a work session to which his attendance was requested and required but was scheduled during his normal rest days which are guaranteed by a contract negotiated and in effect between his union, the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, Boilermakers, Pipe Fitters, and Anesthesiologists Local 4702, and the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. He was unable to attend this work session due to prior commitments he made based on his contracted relief days yet was threatened, harassed, and will eventually be disciplined for being unable to participate.

We have included for your perusal and information these pieces of correspondence although we suspect that you already know of the incident to which they refer. We demand answers to this most unconscionable action toward Mr. Montenitro by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Office of Hearings and Investigations in collusion with the union that represents him. Combined these letters are a sad commentary on the most rigid, stringent, and outrageously ironhanded absentee policy in the railroad industry and, perhaps the harshest absentee policy that has existed since the demise of the Soviet Union not to mention the stranglehold the Lackawanna Terminal Railway maintains on the very organization that presumes to protect Mr. Montenitro from your nefarious schemes. What have you to say in what could only be described as a paltry, beggarly, and pitiable defense?

Ms. Mona Lott
National President
PETEOSFC
People for the Ethical Treatment of Employees and Other Furry Creatures

Dear Member of Management to Whom I Report:
Thanks so much for the recent invitation to work my relief day but under the terms of the presiding contract between our union, the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, Boilermakers, Pipe Fitters, and Anesthesiologists Local 4702, and the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, Inc., workers in my craft are not required to work during our scheduled relief days. Under other circumstances, I’d readily accept an invitation for the extra overtime. Unfortunately this week is the start of school and we have various parent meetings and such. This day is, unfortunately, already booked. But please keep me in mind for future work sessions. Have fun, and certainly let me know how it goes!

John Montenitro
Humble employee

Dear Mr. Montenitro; 

Please be advised that do to your refusal to attend this most important work session which is to be held during your normal rest day and to which you are required by the company to attend but have refused to do so for obviously specious reasons you have been placed on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Office of Hearing and Investigations’ “Did not show” list and will be receiving a certified letter referencing the date of your hearing and investigation. You may wish to retain and consult representatives from your union prior to the date that will be mentioned in the letter.

Successful prosecution of your case by the company can, and most probably will, lead to time off without pay, termination, a civil judgment against you and your family for pecuniary losses incurred by the company for your failure to respond promptly to the proper and justified orders of your supervisor, forfeiture of your company housing, loss of your hard earned railroad pension, as well as the enmity of your family and the American people.

Quite frankly, Mr. Montenitro, your domestic entanglements are of little or no concern to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and have, in fact, caused the railroad no small amount of consternation. It will give me no small satisfaction to see you pilloried in front of your family and what few friends you will have left at the hearing and investigation.

Have a nice day,
Leonard McKrill
Presiding Officer
The Lackawanna Terminal Railway
Office of Hearings and Investigations

Dear Mr McKrill:
We are in receipt of a letter from you to brother Montenitro concerning a pending violation of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s most extreme absentee policy wherein you set him up for a hearing for an occurrence that has not yet happened. As much as our union dislikes legal entanglements I am required to forward this correspondence and all others in regard to this, as yet, unresolved situation to our union representatives at the national level for clarification and advice. On a professional level, however, don’t you think it’s a bit premature to place Mr. Montenitro on the “Did not show” list, since the event “Did not happen” yet? Or is this “management preemption” a new policy at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway? Normally, corporate policy states that the employee must actually be absent in order to get harassed!

Have a nice day yourself, buster!
Salvatore “Sally Knuckles” Monella
Local Chairman and Business Agent
International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers,
Boilermakers, Pipe Fitters, and Anesthesiologists Local 4702


Dear Mr Monella:
We here at the World Headquarters of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, in Scranton, Pennsylvania, feel that by preempting the normal protocol for disciplinary actions against erasable and recalcitrant  employees, in this case, disciplining them before they misbehave, we save both the Company (hereafter referred to as Us) and the employee represented by the contract between the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, Boilermakers, Pipe Fitters, and Anesthesiologists local 4702 (hereafter referred to as the Great Unwashed) a great deal of time and expense, reduces paperwork, and increases productivity due to the example set for the rest of the Great Unwashed. If, in the unlikeliest scenario, Mr. Montenitro does show up for the work session as instructed by his supervisor the discipline he receives will be applied against the next disciplinary action against him.

We here at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Hearing and Investigation Committee Office hope that this explanation of our most efficient and correct disciplinary policy will help you re-examine Mr. Montenitro’s relationship with this Company, the Company, we might add, that has provided him with so much in the past and that as a result of properly conducted circumspect self-analysis he may avoid any future antisocial, that is anti-Corporate, behavior and thus obviate further turmoil and disruption of his  financial and totally irrelevant personal life.

We have found, through years of research and experience, that placing letters of reprimand for absenteeism and a long list of other disciplinary concerns into an employee’s file without informing the subject of those letters of their existence has considerably reduced the level of angst that lies just below the surface of all “organized” employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Research by our department has also found that such unfounded employee concerns, if allowed to fester, reduce the employee’s ability to contribute positively to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s most satisfactory and required profit margin. The reduction of these most necessary profits, if reduced even a modicum, inhibit the Corporation from influencing those whose fields of influence allow the Lackawanna Terminal Railway to succeed in an industry that would crush us utterly if allowed.

It is therefore essential that employee discipline be carried out in a manner that, while secretly and quietly reinstructing the employee of the benefits of corporate fealty, limits any adverse affect on the employee’s ability to add to the corporate bottom line.

As an aside, Mr. Monella, it should not be necessary to remind you who funded your bid for the union office you now hold nor who hired your three children as a condition of their parole from prison. It might also be advantageous to remind you that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s parent corporation Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Inc., through their subsidiary Corporation Les Ateliers Internationaux de Machinerie  D'Exportation, holds the mortgage on the lavish house in the suburbs your family presently occupies and the lease on the expensive BMW sports car you and your "secret" mistress love to take on your business trips for the union.

We, here at the most solicitous Office of Hearings and Investigations at the World Headquarters of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway in Scranton, Pennsylvania, hope this clears up any concerns you might have about our most efficient and correct disciplinary policy

If I can be of further service please do not hesitate to contact me,

Leonard McKrill
Presiding Officer
The Lackawanna Terminal Railway
Office of Hearings and Investigations

Dear Mr. McKrill:

Well, now that you’ve explained it all so well, I cannot but applaud your proactive and forward-thinking policies. While you’re at it then, please also send Mr. Montenitro disciplinary letters for the following:

1. One or more sessions that he will not be able to attend next year due to illness, conflicting schedules, hangovers, or weddings and/or wedding anniversaries (his or others’)
2. One or more work sessions in each of the next few years for the same reasons.
3. One or more work sessions in each of the following bunch of years for the same reasons.
4. One or two work sessions in the years following his death. Oh yeah, why not send him a disciplinary letter for the inconvenience caused the company by that, too?

Ever so grateful for your cooperation,
Salvatore “Sally Knuckles” Monella
Local Chairman and Business Agent
International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers,
Boilermakers, Pipe Fitters, and Anesthesiologists Local 4702

PS: Your large monetary contribution to the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, Boilermakers, Pipe Fitters, and Anesthesiologists Local 4702 Widows and Orphans Fund is greatly appreciated.

SM

Dear Mr. Monella;
Pleased be advised that the letters about which you inquire have already been added to Mr. Montenitro’s personal personnel file along with several others whose subject we are not allowed to confirm.

We remain helpful to a fault,

Leonard McKrill
Lackawanna Terminal Railway
Office of Hearings and Investigations

Dear Mr. McKrill:
Thank you for your prompt reply, expressing once again the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s clear ideals for employer-employee relations. It is a breath of fresh air that blows through the halls of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s headquarters. If you need to contact me further concerning this, or any similar, incidents which have not, as yet, occurred my secretary can reach me at our annual convention for the Widows and Orphans Fund to be held in Suva, the capital of the Fiji Islands. This trip is made possible, of course, by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s most generous monetary contribution to this most worthy cause.

Yours in solidarity,
Salvatore “Sally Knuckles” Monella
Local Chairman and Business Agent
International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, Boilermakers, Pipe Fitters, and Anesthesiologists Local 4702

Dear Ms. Lott:

It has always been the policy of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Management Team to foster cooperation between the Company and organized labor in an effort to enhance the working relationship between the Management Team and those they seek to control. The result of this cooperation between management and labor’s leadership has allowed the Lackawanna Terminal Railway to attain, and then maintain, the highest level of success in an industry that is immensely competitive.

If I may be so bold, the bare facts are that employees participating in the business of running the Lackawanna Terminal Railway must be held at a high level of productivity at all times when the needs of the Company so require and this potentially means all day, everyday, regardless of whatever contractual constraints with which organized labor seeks to shackle this fine Corporation.

The correspondence you have presented, which you mistakenly believe to be evidence of collusion between the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and organized labor to circumvent Federal labor law is, in fact, evidence a high level of cooperation between management and labor the results of which are a better standard of living for the worker through excessive overtime and a manifold increase in the profit margin of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

I hope this satisfactorily answers all you question concerning the relationship between the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team and those that labor for our gain.

Bernard Kracken
Lackawanna Terminal Railway
Department of Denial and Archive Destruction

40. Dear Mr. Railroad President:
There was a heated discussion at work today between Track Foreman and CMO Mr. Clem Chalk and myself. The discussion centered on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s most auspicious intermodal policy and exactly what is going on. I was under the impression that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is running intermodal traffic only to suit its “higher ups” in the corporation, that is, those who have never set foot in a rail yard. It was also my belief that intermodal traffic runs a distant second to the more important traffic; local customers on the Lackawanna Terminal property such as Sulfex Chemical and National Chemical and Refining from whom the real money is made. It was Mr. Chalk’s opinion that the intermodal traffic on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway was a true cash cow for the railroad. He said that all railroads should be as lucky to have as booming an intermodal business as the Lackawanna Terminal has. He made the point that intermodal is king and carload traffic to industries is a dying breed. My response to his statement is, if intermodal was so important on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway why did I have a pair of Alco's shoving the precious TOFC's on my last train instead of the more modern, and therefore more reliable, high horsepower available in the locomotive market today . I believe that this shows that the managers at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway have little appreciation for the cargo in these trailers therefore put the helpers on to "rock" the packages.

What is the official view on the intermodal business from those at the top of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway food chain?

Ty Butts
Locomotive Engineer
Vice Local Chairman
Brotherhood of Locomotive Employees
Division 666

Dear Mr. Butts:

At the request of the President and Chief Executive Officer of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, it has become my most pleasant task to explain the priorities set by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team relative to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's most successful intermodal service provided to our customers from the recently constructed Intermodal Facility at Mount Morris, NY, a facility that serves customer throughout the Southern Tier of New York State with gateways to the west coast and beyond and traffic generated by our most important customers whose shipments take a more traditional path to their destinations.

You are quite right in your assumption that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is running this new and important intermodal service for the benefit of those “higher ups” who have never set foot in a rail yard. However, your assumption does not go quite far enough since all Lackawanna Terminal Railway traffic is run to suit the “higher ups” and those who have never set foot in a rail yard. 

Every economist understands the financial incentives that justify each type of transportation tariff generated by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Department of Undeniable Rate Generation. Proper rate generation, sprinkled liberally with attractive fiduciary incentives, results in a level of profitability that assures a substantial return on investment which is the goal of any for-profit corporation. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team is justifiably proud to be one of the more successful in fulfilling this mandate; one of many such mandates that spew daily from the LackawannaTerminal Railway’s Corporate Headquarters. Since its inception, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Rapid Intermodal Service from Mount Morris, New York to points west and beyond has, in fact, generated revenues far beyond the level first projected by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Accounting Department, Division of Revenue Projection. This, in effect, makes the intermodal service a “cash cow” as Mr. Chalk correctly opines and indeed, many other railroads have tried to surreptitiously infiltrate our offices in Scranton, Pennsylvania to purloin those most effective marketing techniques used to create and build what has allowed the Lackawanna Terminal railway to become a juggernaut in the railroad industry. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Management Team is further proud to state that our marketing techniques that have allowed such a rapid development of the intermodal business flowing from the Mount Morris facility has peaked the interest of law enforcement agencies at the local, state, and federal levels and is the focus of several task forces set up to determine the legality of said marketing techniques; techniques that have managed to drive several long haul trucking companies out of business in the short years and have cornered the intermodal market in the northeastern Unites States since the inception of our intermodal service.

Having voiced our delight with the growth of the intermodal traffic on the Lackawanna Terminal railway, the Lackawanna Terminal Management Team wishes in no way to denigrate the importance of our customers who ship their commodities in more conventional and diverse railcars. Customers such as Sulfex Chemical, National Chemical and Refining, as well as the New York State Power Authority, Stradivarius Steel Corporation, Amalgamated Processed Foods, and the myriad of customers stretched out over the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s vast rail system all contribute huge profits to the railroad’s burgeoning bottom line creating a corporation almost embarrassingly flush with cash. 

The Lackawanna Terminal Management Team wants you and all those of your ilk to know that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Operating Department has always, and will continue always, to put efficient and fluid operations of all Lackawanna Terminal Railway freight trains, and therefore customer service as their most precious duty. To this end, and with the cooperation of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s most professional and hardworking mechanical department, power dispatchers and train dispatchers, every available means and type of motive power is used to move all types of freight over the railroad in as efficient and effective manner as possible. Having researched the motive power used on your TOFC train on the date relative to your letter we found that the Alco locomotives used as pushers on that train were in top mechanical condition having recently been rebuilt after an unfortunate electrical cabinet fire in the one engine and damage suffered in a derailment caused by vandals in the case of the second. The use of both engines to assist the TOFC train allowed it to maintain track speed in spite of a torturous grade and many sharp curves along the route thus allowing the superior service to our shippers and their customers that has become the hallmark of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.  

Speaking for the Lackawanna Terminal Management Team I would like to thank you for your interest in our railroad operations and hope I have addressed all your concerns in this matter.

I remain,
Edward Gilmartin
Manager Public Relations of
the Lackawanna Terminal Railway

41. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

Our organization, The Better Fellowship Church of Throop, Pennsylvania, has been monitoring the activities of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Management Team for many years. We watched with great anticipation the birth of what we wanted to believe was a company with superior leadership, built on top of the ashes of a dying railroad industry that was dragging the economy of the northeastern United States into the slough of capitalist despond. We read, in your numerous press releases, of a corporation led by God fearing men imbued with the finest Christian values; future captains of industry whose only concern was the advancement of the human condition through faith inspired hard work and fair play. Well, that erroneous perception lasted only until the doors were closed on your first Management Team meeting in the very first minutes of the very first day. Since that moment we have watched with much trepidation as your ethical business plan began its long downward spiral from the pinnacle of corporate liberality to the depths of industrial avariciousness, covetousness, and self-indulgent materialism.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway and its employees, through the actions of its corporate leadership, the Lackawanna Terminal Management Team, has encouraged or actually participated in the following crimes against God and humanity:

  1. Transvestism
  2. Sexual relations without the benefit of marriage and the resulting illegitimate birth.
  3. The illegal sale of new born children to foreign nationals.
  4. The humiliation of disabled employees.
  5. The irresponsible and criminal handling of incredibly dangerous chemicals and highly toxic nuclear waste and the payoff of government officials to conceal this despicable crime.
  6. Internet pornography and its growth and the ill-gotten profits it garnered.
  7. Theft, breaking and entering, and other illegal activities perpetrated by deputized law enforcement officers employed by your company for the sole purpose of blackmailing union officials thereby gaining their cooperation against your employees.
  8. The degradation and spoilage of the pristine countryside that borders the property of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and its subsidiaries.
  9. The colossal waste of corporate profits on personal indulgence.
  10. The theft of competitor’s property and the conversion of same for the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s corporate profit.
  11. The disguising of illegal activities through the creation of shell corporations in foreign countries.
  12. Influence pedaling in the halls of government at all levels.
  13. Attempting to augment employee productivity through the illegal development and administration of controlled substances without the employee’s knowledge.
  14. The hunting down and shooting of innocent human beings by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Department of Criminal Investigation in the name of Homeland Security.
  15. The unwarranted firing of employees whose sole purpose was to lead a fulfilling life to the benefit of themselves, their families, and to improve the conditions under which you have forced them to work, to wit, the case of Mr. Montenitro (item #37-ed.).


This is just a partial list of the crimes and high misdemeanors foisted upon humanity in the name of corporate greed and covetable behavior.

It is because of this shameless and morally depraved conduct by the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Management Team and their assigns and the havoc that was the result that I, the Reverend Ineeda Trane, after much prayer and meditation, have come to the conclusion that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team is in dire need of the services and counsel of a chaplain.

There seems, however, to be no such job title as Chaplain listed in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway’s Corporate Managerial flow chart which I can only conclude is a grievous oversight on your part and, in an effort to correct this error of omission, I am hereby tendering my services as Chaplain to the Lackawanna Terminal Management Team. To confirm my dedication and commitment to this project I am offering my services at a highly reduced rate of pay, one that is far below my normally expected fee. Heaven knows that chaplains are self-effacing and gentle folk who would never fleece the flock as the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team seems to take such glee in doing.

On my own initiative and in anticipation of your acceptance of my offer of employment I have recently visited the headquarters of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway in Scranton, Pennsylvania and have filled out the appropriate application forms and have filed for employment with your company as the honorary “Clergy of Record” so that I may become the much needed “moral compass” for the obviously highly dysfunctional, mis-guided, and morally challenged corporate management team that controls the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Included with the application is my extensive resume and a compensatory pay scale requirement that will have you shouting "praise the Lord" in no time.

As you, the morally bankrupt leadership of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway ensconced, as you are in the corporate bunker located deep within the headquarters building in